OKCupid 6

Clearly it's been a while. Holidays have come and passed (they were excellent by the way), I've been to several Meetups and spent time with friends old and new and have generally been spending less time hurting and more time out playing - hence the paucity of posts since... Wow, it's been longer than I thought.

Quick updates:
New friends are excellent, especially when combined with trivia night, Star Wars, or a Boardgames & Booze Meetup

When your ex moves to the guest bedroom and even goodnight hugs stop... it hurts like hell.

Back on OKCupid - now that I'm hurting weekly instead of daily and feeling quite sufficient to be enough for myself - my therapist and I agreed a while back that I'm ready to dip my toe in the water.

I went on my first ever "date-date" just last week and had a blast.

I'm also considering taking yet another OKCupid hiatus. In the last week I've been on a total of 4 dates with 3 women:
1 was a bust - though I doubt I'll get into that here.
1 I can absolutely see being great friends with.
And 1, well, I'm not entirely sure. I like her a great deal. She was date number 1 and date number 4. I don't know how comfortable she would be with starting more than a casual dating relationship, nor am I certain I want that just yet (thank goodness I have therapy on Tuesday, because I also do want it - just anxious about diving in too soon.) What I know for sure is that I find her to be a long list of adjectives I won't bore you with. Every time I try to put them down they come out sounding ridiculously corny, predictable, and contrived-as-a-90's-era-made-for-TV-disney-romance-movie (Susie Q!), despite being entirely genuine (she's intelligent, well-educated, caring, self-aware, beautiful, funny, etc. ad nauseum.) What I suppose I can safely declare here is the following:

• I like her a lot.
• I am confident, barring any fiendish secrets or surprises, that we can be excellent friends.
• I am honestly open to the idea of more developing while consciously working to make sure I am also open to the idea of just being friends if it doesn't.
• I fear proposing more than friendship (once I'm ready) as I know many are uncomfortable remaining friends if becoming more has been broached but isn't an option.

I also know that it's exhausting being on OKCupid and I'd rather put what time and energy I have into pursuing my new friendships and sticking to just one possible-someday-romance at a time. No judgement, whatsoever, on what you do/how you date. Nor would I have the same expectation of a potential partner until she and I had agreed to 'be exclusive" (or whatever the modern kids are using in place of 'going steady'); that's just where I'm at.

OKCupid 5

Well this has been interesting. I recently discovered that OKCupid has the option to be just 'looking for new friends.'

The Socialist has been trying it out for a few weeks now with pretty good success in the LGBTIQ community. Seems like a good idea, right?

Absolutely. And absolutely not.

I created my account - this time just as 'looking for new friends' - about two weeks ago (it's why I've been lapsing on the blog, I'll be honest, making e-friends takes a lot of time).

Actually, let's back up for a minute.

The Socialist and I have been best of friends for the last 22 years. I first proposed in September of 1993 and we've been close ever since (even if she did say no). That said, although I've had many friends and relationships throughout my life thus far, nearly all of them have been shared friends, couple friends, or friendships grounded in my relationship with her in some other way. In late September I finally reached a place of sufficient stability to conclude that it was high time I begin to craft a chosen family beyond the confines of my marriage.

This is not to say that my marriage is any sort of imprisonment, but when all of your friends are other couples, or people you met through your partner, or people who are equally friends with  your partner (alongside one or two friends from childhood, oh right, them too!) it means you don't have much of your own skillset around making/maintaining friends beyond those bounds.

All of that established, and my few me-friends living at least an hour away, I realized it was high time to find some good friend material closer to home. Also, I'm not ready to date/pursue romance yet, but once I am I'd much rather have a solid friendship evolve into more than meet someone for the first time with romantic intensions from the outset.

And now back to the present.

It's been an interesting two weeks. In that time, I've had the following brand-spanking new experiences:

• 17 men have invited me to anonymous sexual encounters (if this is even a faint whiff of what women experience on these sites, I apologize on behalf of those of my gender who behave this way)
• 9 of the men I've contacted have responded with "And you're not looking for romance with me, right? Just friends?" (Yes, absolutely, definitely!)
• 7 folks have responded "You're 27 and a principal? How dreamy/fancy/ambitious/areyourich..." No, just no.
• 6 women I've contacted have responded with "yeah, I've gotten that 'my wife is gay' line before, not thanks, not looking for a hookup." (Neither am I. And really? Guys use that to get laid? Ew!)
• 5 of the folks I've contacted have been interested in long-term pen-palling (no problem there)
• 4 women have invited me to 'kink parties' (never been, not interested at this time)
• I've met up with 3 folks who seem like they'll make fine friends (I had a blast, I weirdly miss them already).
• 2 of the friend-types I've met up with have, on my ask for a second get-together, felt the need to insist "and it's only friends, right? Right? Right?"

It's exciting, it's fun, it's mind-numbingly terrifying. Mostly, it confirms that I'm absolutely new at this and need practice. And that I love people. And how lonely it is to be 'the boss' at work, in such a public position of community leadership and functionally single - it basically eliminates 'fraternizing' with all of those I spend time with day to day, not to mention that fact that my colleagues are all 20-40 years my senior.

Every time I meet someone new (and even moreso afterwards), I have found my anxiety going through the roof. "Did he like me? I had a good time, did she? Will they text me back?" I think it's going to be a loooong road. What about you? How do you deal with reaching out to make new social connections? What are your struggles? Your successes?

I'm going to take an OKC break for a bit to focus on cultivating the few new friends I'm making and to see how it goes. I guess you could say it's good 'practice' for when I'm back on OKC and possibly ready to start searching for something more.

Turns out you CAN beat a royal flush

ACES: My score is 7.

Kings: My sister attempted to make the King of Hearts when I was 14.

Queens: When I had reconstructive surgery to take my feet from grotesquely crooked size 17s to straight and functional 13s, my other sister dubbed herself the 'queen of mean' and routinely would stomp on the broken bones.

Jacks: They're sharp and pointy, like the hammer I put through my left hand at 16 by mistake while sharpening it.

Tens: I used to weigh 42 of them in pounds and had all the associate stigma and health problems to go with it.

And yet, somehow, I've never experienced agony like this. Never even imagined suffering on this level. I know it may sound petty - I'm fed, healthy, have a great son and am still best friends with my gay wife - but holy hell this hurts. And all the more for finally finding some grounding.

Gounded

Today I was sick.

Today I stayed home.

Today I read to Little Smye for 3 hours.

Today I took a hike in the woods.

Today I found hundreds upon hundreds of frost feathers.

Frost feather on a stick

Today I am grounded. Today I hurt like hell. Today I laughed. Today I screamed in the middle of the woods where no one heard. Today I felt heard.

Today I found the world I live in beautiful again, even if only for a moment.

Tomorrow, I don't know, but I'm hopeful. Tomorrow, I will still be grounded.

Finances

As many of you know, The Socialist and I have built our life together around our farmstead. We both work demanding jobs and find enormous joy in caring for our goats, ducks, chickens, and produce every afternoon and weekend - it's the stuff life is made of.

The Socialiste only catch is it's also expensive. Repairs to the fence, extra feed when the snows come, the cost of watering the garden, soil alteration, and simply the mortgage required to sustain a large enough property and our home take a financial toll. But we're alright - together we make ends meet and our combined income is enough to get us by.

For now, well, we're still together. But at some point we won't be. I don't want to give up this life. Neither does she, but unless we can both find partners who A. are the loves of our lives, B. are willing to move way out in the woods and C. make bookoo bucks, that's not really an option.

It feels petty, especially with all of the other fears, insecurities, and pain surrounding this whole situation, but I'm also scared of losing my home, my goats, my food sources, my lifestyle. I don't want to go back to an apartment, or the city, or anything other than where I am. The Socialistis is the first place I've allowed myself to put down roots.

Damn it.

Proud hubby

The Socialist is out at a lesbian book club, I'm so proud of her for stepping WAY outside of her comfort zone and reaching out to form a new social group. Not to mention I love the chance to spend time with little Smye one on one.

Anyone have any suggestions for forming new social groups for me? I've realized that I've got no social group of my own, just a few isolated friends ends here and there, but I'm eager to join/create a social group.

Go F*** Yourself - Kindly

To those in outrage, demanding I divorce The Socialist tomorrow - I appreciate your willingness to do the unpopular, go against my wishes and 'tell it like it is' - no sarcasm, I really admire your commitment to authenticity. However, I hope you'll agree (and if you don't, oh well) that you don't quite understand the dynamics of my marriage. Short version - we'll both be finding new exclusive partners when we're each ready as individuals, divorcing at that time, but maintaining our incredible friendship through it all and maintaining our wonderful partnership in the meantime. I'll even likely help write her OK-Cupid (or whatever service she uses) profile and walk her down the aisle - and vice versa. As a society, all we can do is accept that the experience of folks who discover their sexuality "late" in life and the choices they and their partners make (keep in mind, we're significantly younger than you probably think we are - we both graduated high school and college very early and were married at an age most could call unconscionable) might not reflect our own but is still real for them, and support and love those around us in spite of not understanding or even thinking they are completely out of their minds. But seriously, your apparent internal outrage on my behalf is weirdly comforting . I will say though that your advice did have the effect of making me feel silenced by you rather than helping me 'find my voice.' For what it's worth.