OKCupid 3

To be clear, I  would never, ever contact someone with romantic intentions without full disclosure. Several of you have asked for this:
When contacting the girl mentioned a few moments ago, my first message was the following:

"

• Hi XXXXXXX,
  
  I'm in a bit of a unusual situation, but you seem like we might be a good match.
  My wife and I have been best friends since we were 5, we married 7 years ago. However, she recently discovered she is gay. It explains a whole lot of the challenges we've had in our relationship, but I have to admit, it totally rocked my world. That said, we intend to stay good friends and to fully coparent our 2 year old son together, but are both beginning to explore other relationships. We do NOT have and are not interested in an open marriage, we are looking for our next 'forever partners.' Reading through your profile, you seem like we might be compatible. I don't have a profile photo at the moment out of respect for The Socialistee's privacy - she has yet to come out to family and friends but I'm happy to email you a photo or post for a minute and then remove if we happen to be online at the same time if you like.
  
  If you're willing to explore whether or not we'd be a good match, please let me know. If not, no worries, but I'll admit that confirmation of that would be great.
  Take care,
  Smye"

  It was intended to be a 'try one just to have done it' which now feels admittedly crass.

OKCupid 4

Thanks so much for your support. And by the by, I'm absolutely going square dancing in the next few weeks, as soon as The Socialistee is free to watch the little one.

 

Oh, and I've gotten a few PM requests to share the 'it's over' message. After thinking about it, I think it would indeed be therapeutic to post rather than PM back, so here it is:

 

"Hi XXXX,

 

Sorry this has taken me so long to get to you - I want to make sure I get it right and, if I'm totally honest, I don't want to send it. Please do me the favor of reading to the end.

 

Remember my comments about always striving to be transparent and live with authenticity? This is one of those times when it sucks, a lot.

 

Let me begin by saying that, if you can trust this, at no point was I false, did I lie, or attempt to conceal anything from you. I like you a lot and have come to care for you a great deal. I really want to date you, to give a relationship with you a try and see where it goes. But I realized this afternoon that I don't think I'm ready like I thought I was.

 

I've meant every word I've said to you, and I still do, but when I imagined our date, for real, suddenly I felt wrong... Nothing about you, just about me.

 

I feel awful, but I wanted to be entirely up front with you.

 

And to top it off, there's that little voice screaming "you idiot! What are you doing? You've had huge gaps in your needs from the day you got married, they've only grown over the years, and now you don't even get a goodnight peck from your wife. Why are you throwing away the closest immediate chance you've got to getting to kiss, cuddle, love and be loved?" But I think if that's the reason I'm pursuing a relationship, because I'm terrified of continuing not to have those things, that's the wrong reason to enter a relationship. That isn't remotely the entirety of why I wanted to date you, like I said, you're funny, kind, intelligent, strong, beautiful, and someone I genuinely enjoy. But I'm not certain I'm in a place yet where I wouldn't be motivated, from time to time at least, more by simply the desire to be loved than by my future love for you, and that's not fair to either of us. I've clearly got quite a bit of work left to do before I start pursuing another partner.

 

I'm so sorry XXXX, I'm letting you know as soon as I realized it (well, within a few hours anyway), but despite my best intentions, this is in no way fair to you. What a way to start your vacation. I'm glad you've got support people close at hand.

 

Take care,

 

Smye"

 

And after rereading that - wow that reads melodramatic, but there it is.

OKCupid 2

So I made the OKCupid profile, I even messaged someone on the advice of my therapist, essentially detailing the whole story and linking her here - just to test the waters. She wrote back, was entirely supportive and over the last few days we have struck up a conversation. I like her, she seems to like me. This afternoon she asked to set up a date next Saturday evening. Hooray!
 

Or not. At that moment, it clicked - what the hell am I doing? I'm not ready yet. I've got a hell of a lot of work to do on myself before I go trying to form a committed partnership with someone else - not to mention the fact that I'm not remotely comfortable with casual dating.

 

I feel awful, but I'm going to be emailing her after I post this to call it off and ask "may I contact you again in a few months? I'm so so sorry." And to top it off, there's that little voice screaming "you idiot! What are you doing? You've had huge gaps in your needs from the day you got married, they've only grown over the years, and now you don't even get a goodnight peck from your wife. Why are you throwing away the closest chance you've got to getting to kiss, cuddle, love and be loved?" But I think if that's the reason I'm pursuing a relationship, because I'm terrified of continuing not to have those things, that's the wrong reason to enter a relationship. And so on it goes. 

 

And oh yeah, The Socialistee already pulled back emotionally when I created the OKCupid account - still my best friend, but I'm no longer her primary emotional support. The Socialistammit. But I believe waiting (for now, we'll see how I feel in the morning) is the best choice [totally joking about the 'in the morning' part].

OKCupid

Having been each others one and only since 5 is amazing, it's part of what's so scary about looking elsewhere - there's nobody else from my kindergarten classroom that's remotely interesting.

 

Curiously, my therapist and I created my OKCupid account recently. In response The Socialistee made one of her own. It's weirdly terrifying and exciting! I've got a date lined up for the first weekend in October. On the flip side, once I had that set up, The Socialistee asked for more emotional distance between us - we're still best friends and coparents, but she'll no longer be processing externally with me through the deep stuff. Something else to mourn, but I think that stopping my own process to 'keep' her wouldn't be healthy for either of us.

 

Thanks all for reading.

Where we stand

Just a quick update - The Socialistee is still working through her process and debating whether/how to tell her parents. I, on the other hand, am continuing to realize more and more how much of the grieving of our marriage I've already done. 6 years ago when she first told me she didn't think she was actually attracted to me, I started grieving the 'mutual attraction' aspect. 5 years ago when she told me (with the utmost kindness and honesty, not out of spite or anything) 'I really don't enjoy sex and, you know, if we never had it again, I'd be thrilled,' I started grieving the 'sexual intimacy' portion. When she told me 'it really bothers me/makes me uncomfortable when you a) suprise me with something special; b.) tell me I'm beautiful; c) arrange a special evening even with my foreknowledge; d) do anything else typically identified as 'romantic,' I began grieving the 'romantic' aspect of our relationship. 2 years ago when a surgeon who was working on something else entirely essentially destroyed her vagina (the bas****, he's still the only person I've ever had violent dreams about - even without sex it hurts her to walk more than 5 minutes at a time...), I began to grieve the 'sex at all' portion of our relationship.

 

Everything else, our deep love and respect for one another as parents, as best friends, as co-learners and cohabitators, those I don't have to grieve. Except for the last, but that's a ways off and I can start that grief process now. I don't mean to claim that I'm 'over it.' Holy hell it still hurts. I'm nowhere near over it. I don't know if I ever will be. But I feel, in many ways, a sense of peace that my feelings of never being 'enough' for her were not only justified, but had nothing to do with me. I'm shocked at how excited I feel for both of us to move forward while doing our damnedest to keep our friendship solid whatever comes in terms of the pain/frustration that's inevitable moving forward.

 

All that said, though a piece of me is screaming "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU The SocialistOING?" I've recognized that this has all been going down for as long as we've been wed. Not that she knew she was ***** (her currently chosen term), nor that we would inevitably divorce some day, but that our marriage wasn't all of what either of us wanted it to be, despite being nauseatingly idyllic in so many other areas. And I never, ever, have to sacrifice those idyllic pieces if I don't choose to, even if and when we divorce.

 

And so the next step - dating. I'm not interested in dating around, sleeping around, or trying to 'get the most bang (sorry) for my buck out of my new body.' But if I'm decided to find a new partner (and I am), I'm eager to get going. I'm thinking I'll start with an OKCupid account here in the next couple of weeks after my next meeting with my counselor. How weird to be simultaneously nauseated and utterly thrilled.

 

The Socialistoes that make sense?

Public Replies 2

@Folly, thank you so much for sharing your story, the perspective of the new spouse of a formerly straight spouse is one I haven't heard and it is a huge asset to me to hear it. And thank you for the *hugs* as well, received and warmed! My sympathies & congratulation to your husband. If you don't mind sharing a little more, what was the experience like for you? I'm at the point of considering the possibility of actually, really, truly, coming to love someone else and want to ensure that I am able to support my future spouse through what will undoubtedly be challenging for her as well.

 

@cusoon, I'm so sorry you and your ex went through that, it hurts like hell. But I'm so glad to hear your story! I too hope (and trust) that 25 years from now we'll be where you are, but the getting there in the meantime is daunting. For now, we share a bed still, we live together, and ideally will do so until one of us is repartnered, but, for example - how do we navigate this when we start actually seeing other people? What about when/if The Socialistee doesn't make enough to support herself, I don't make enough to support a mortgage ANThe Socialist a rent, but (assuming I repartner first) my new partner has moved in etc etc. Long story short - thank you. And yes, The Socialistee is made of stronger stuff than I can even conceive of.

What I Need

When I first started this blog, I was in a time of utter crisis and had no idea what, precisely, I needed other than the general list of guidelines I put in my first post. Now I'm still in a time of significant grief. Although The Socialistee and I have what appears to be a solid plan in place, I've found a suitable therapist, she's continuing her work with hers and we're both reaching out for support while turning towards, rather than away from, each other, it's hard. It hurts. I'm mourning the loss of the marriage we had even in the midst of celebrating the marriage we have and the friendship we will continue to have. I'm thrilled, really and truly, that she's learning more about herself - I'm even excited at the potential of 1, 2, 3, or 10 years from now for both of us to be in relationships where we're entirely fulfilled while maintaining our friendship throughout. But I still cry myself to sleep and still find myself yearning to lean in for a kiss or to initiate lovemaking. In short, I know that this still hurts and that I still have a lot of work to do on and for myself. But I'm okay with never being 'over' the loss of our romantic marriage - I don't think one ever really, truly does get over it, nor am I convinced I even want to. Sure, eventually I'll go days, weeks, hours without it hurting and be able to discuss it without wanting to disappear entirely, but I doubt I'll ever be over it any more than I'd ever get over the loss of any other loved one. But I know what I need from you all now.

 

What I need is, in many ways, what most of you have been doing already - I just need you to sit with me in my grief, to validate and honor my pain, to celebrate with me when a day goes well or when we have a 'victory,' and to offer me virtual hugs when I ask for them or you simply think they're warranted. In short - I need a community to bear witness to my process, validate my experience, and remain present with me throughout. Thank you for all you've done and for all you do! I'll keep this forum updated regularly with what's happening, how everyone is doing with the changes, etc - writing this all down is a huge part of my own processing, so thank you for bearing witness.