The Actress on Hold

This morning I woke up to a new text from The Actress - one that I was both surprised and gratified to read:

"Hi Smye,

Sorry for not responding to your message right away.  I really appreciate your understanding and for being so supportive of my need to take a step back. Honestly, I just got to a place last week where I realized my emotions are still just not sorted through properly, and that I’ve been seeking distraction from dealing with some of the hard things that I need to sit with and deal with over a period of time.

I think maybe for the moment I’d like to go radio silent to get some space and take stock of things, but I am not at all opposed to being friends and picking up getting to know each other when some time has passed and I feel like I’m in a better spot to do that. Would that be okay? I really do enjoy spending time with you, too.

So… I guess I’ll be in touch, then? And until then I hope all things for you go well, and your school and with Atticus and otherwise, and I look forward to catching up again before too long. :)

The Actress"

I must say, as disappointed as I still am to have had this relationship cut short (for the time being at least), I'm so gratified to have been smitten with someone so authentic and transparent in her own practice at life. Someone who's self-aware and willing to do her own work... yep, I definitely know that's the kind of person I need in a partner, the kind of person I need in a friend, and, HOORAY, the kind of person who I feel 'sparkly' towards. I hadn't been sure if that's the kind of person I'd find most attractive when I started this journey and - though it's far from over - I'm relieved that my first post-Mrs.-Smye crush is one of these people.

I certainly hope she reaches out once she's done her own work in this area, not prior, but not never. And if I never hear from her again, I'll be disappointed but fine and choose to trust that she's just doing what's in her best interest, working to be thankful she's caring for herself.

What, I presume, is our last message for quite a while follows:

"Good afternoon Actress,

Radio silence it is. Congratulations on your realization and determination to keep yourself healthy.

I look forward to reconnecting at some point, but please take as long as you need. And if I never her back from you, sure I'll be disappointed but will not resent you, instead trusting that it's in your best interest.

Take care, I wish you the best, and thank you for the time together we've had thus far. You have my profound respect.

Smye"

OKCupid 7

Getting ready for Date #3 with the woman from OKCupid 6. I'll call her The Actress, she should have a name but also have her privacy protected.

Very excited.

Like her a lot.

Going to continue to get to know one another, I've got a number of questions.

She texts, hooray!

What's it say? (edited to protect identities, etc.)

"Hey Smye,

So.. I think I need to cancel our get together next Sunday. I’ve decided that I need to pull back from OkCupid and further dates for now. unsure emoticon I had a couple other dates last week that got emotionally intense, which was very confusing and somewhat upsetting for me since I feel like I’m still very early in the process. I’ve been thinking about it for the last few days and I believe it would be a good idea for me to take a step back and reassess what exactly it is I’m looking for.

I hope you can understand, and I am sorry- I’ve really, truly enjoyed the couple dates we’ve had and was looking forward to the next one, but I think ultimately I’m just not in a very solid place to be dating right now, and that’s not a good way to step into dating. I believe that when the foundation isn’t healthy, someone will likely eventually end up getting hurt because old baggage will creep in and do damage to any new relationship. I’m seeing some things in myself that definitely need to be sorted out before I get to that healthy place.

If you’re open to me contacting you sometime in the not-so-distant future when I feel like I’m on more solid footing, I would love to keep that possibility open, but if not I will of course respect that as well. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you as much as I have so far, and I feel regretful that the timing just isn’t right right now to continue to do so.

Thanks, Actress"

Damn. And good on you!

Of course, though, I like her. I respect her and appreciate her honestly and authenticity. And, even if we never date (though, the possibility still exists!), I want to be her friend. So, my response is as follows:

"Hi Actress, 

 

Thank you for your message. I so appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and authentic in your process and will absolutely respect your needs here. I admire your commitment to self care and making sure you remain healthy through this process.

To be certain, I'm disappointed. I like you a great deal  and am hopeful for the opportunity to continue to get to know you. I understand entirely needing to be in a healthy, independent place prior to diving into a relationship ill-equipped. I wish you the best in getting yourself into a place that you're ready and interested in pursuing a relationship. 

 

In the meantime, if it's not a poor choice on your part, I'd love to keep in touch as friends, then possibly pursue more when/if you're ready assuming both of us are on board. Or, if it's healthier/more supportive for you to go radio-silent for a time, I'd love to hear from you when you feel like you're on more solid footing to see about exploring a possible relationship at that time.

 

As mentioned previously, I'm in no particular hurry & I wasn't kidding when I said that time with you, by all measures thus far, is well worth waiting for - be it as only friends or someday more.

 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your mother and her partner.

Take care, and let me know if there is any support I can provide.

 

Smye"

 

By no means am I planning to 'wait for her.' 1) That's not fair to me - who knows how long this will take, if she'll still be interested when/if she resumes dating, and even then whether we'd actually be a good match. 2) That's not fair to her - it sets up an implicit obligation on her part to contact me again and/or may inadvertently pressure her to rush a process which ought to happen organically. 3) Even if I'm in a relationship when/if she contacts me again, I really and truly want to be her friend. 4) I absolutely had a crush, wow... but I'm no where near ready for a serious relationship.

 

I suppose there's a hint of relief - there's no one I'm all that interested in at the moment, so the anxiety of 'are my feelings/hopes/etc returned?' has nowhere to take hold. Unfortuately - that's because I doubt anyone can ever live up to The Socialist in terms of intelligence, grace, charm, beauty, wittiness, authenticity, etc. Actress, she might have made it, but seriously, I'm picky and nothing on the horizon's yet measures up.

(Note: The Actress' nickname here is in no way commentary on her interactions with me - I just received a message alluding to as much - I think she's entirely genuine here.)