OKCupid 5

Well this has been interesting. I recently discovered that OKCupid has the option to be just 'looking for new friends.'

The Socialist has been trying it out for a few weeks now with pretty good success in the LGBTIQ community. Seems like a good idea, right?

Absolutely. And absolutely not.

I created my account - this time just as 'looking for new friends' - about two weeks ago (it's why I've been lapsing on the blog, I'll be honest, making e-friends takes a lot of time).

Actually, let's back up for a minute.

The Socialist and I have been best of friends for the last 22 years. I first proposed in September of 1993 and we've been close ever since (even if she did say no). That said, although I've had many friends and relationships throughout my life thus far, nearly all of them have been shared friends, couple friends, or friendships grounded in my relationship with her in some other way. In late September I finally reached a place of sufficient stability to conclude that it was high time I begin to craft a chosen family beyond the confines of my marriage.

This is not to say that my marriage is any sort of imprisonment, but when all of your friends are other couples, or people you met through your partner, or people who are equally friends with  your partner (alongside one or two friends from childhood, oh right, them too!) it means you don't have much of your own skillset around making/maintaining friends beyond those bounds.

All of that established, and my few me-friends living at least an hour away, I realized it was high time to find some good friend material closer to home. Also, I'm not ready to date/pursue romance yet, but once I am I'd much rather have a solid friendship evolve into more than meet someone for the first time with romantic intensions from the outset.

And now back to the present.

It's been an interesting two weeks. In that time, I've had the following brand-spanking new experiences:

• 17 men have invited me to anonymous sexual encounters (if this is even a faint whiff of what women experience on these sites, I apologize on behalf of those of my gender who behave this way)
• 9 of the men I've contacted have responded with "And you're not looking for romance with me, right? Just friends?" (Yes, absolutely, definitely!)
• 7 folks have responded "You're 27 and a principal? How dreamy/fancy/ambitious/areyourich..." No, just no.
• 6 women I've contacted have responded with "yeah, I've gotten that 'my wife is gay' line before, not thanks, not looking for a hookup." (Neither am I. And really? Guys use that to get laid? Ew!)
• 5 of the folks I've contacted have been interested in long-term pen-palling (no problem there)
• 4 women have invited me to 'kink parties' (never been, not interested at this time)
• I've met up with 3 folks who seem like they'll make fine friends (I had a blast, I weirdly miss them already).
• 2 of the friend-types I've met up with have, on my ask for a second get-together, felt the need to insist "and it's only friends, right? Right? Right?"

It's exciting, it's fun, it's mind-numbingly terrifying. Mostly, it confirms that I'm absolutely new at this and need practice. And that I love people. And how lonely it is to be 'the boss' at work, in such a public position of community leadership and functionally single - it basically eliminates 'fraternizing' with all of those I spend time with day to day, not to mention that fact that my colleagues are all 20-40 years my senior.

Every time I meet someone new (and even moreso afterwards), I have found my anxiety going through the roof. "Did he like me? I had a good time, did she? Will they text me back?" I think it's going to be a loooong road. What about you? How do you deal with reaching out to make new social connections? What are your struggles? Your successes?

I'm going to take an OKC break for a bit to focus on cultivating the few new friends I'm making and to see how it goes. I guess you could say it's good 'practice' for when I'm back on OKC and possibly ready to start searching for something more.