OKCupid 5

Well this has been interesting. I recently discovered that OKCupid has the option to be just 'looking for new friends.'

The Socialist has been trying it out for a few weeks now with pretty good success in the LGBTIQ community. Seems like a good idea, right?

Absolutely. And absolutely not.

I created my account - this time just as 'looking for new friends' - about two weeks ago (it's why I've been lapsing on the blog, I'll be honest, making e-friends takes a lot of time).

Actually, let's back up for a minute.

The Socialist and I have been best of friends for the last 22 years. I first proposed in September of 1993 and we've been close ever since (even if she did say no). That said, although I've had many friends and relationships throughout my life thus far, nearly all of them have been shared friends, couple friends, or friendships grounded in my relationship with her in some other way. In late September I finally reached a place of sufficient stability to conclude that it was high time I begin to craft a chosen family beyond the confines of my marriage.

This is not to say that my marriage is any sort of imprisonment, but when all of your friends are other couples, or people you met through your partner, or people who are equally friends with  your partner (alongside one or two friends from childhood, oh right, them too!) it means you don't have much of your own skillset around making/maintaining friends beyond those bounds.

All of that established, and my few me-friends living at least an hour away, I realized it was high time to find some good friend material closer to home. Also, I'm not ready to date/pursue romance yet, but once I am I'd much rather have a solid friendship evolve into more than meet someone for the first time with romantic intensions from the outset.

And now back to the present.

It's been an interesting two weeks. In that time, I've had the following brand-spanking new experiences:

• 17 men have invited me to anonymous sexual encounters (if this is even a faint whiff of what women experience on these sites, I apologize on behalf of those of my gender who behave this way)
• 9 of the men I've contacted have responded with "And you're not looking for romance with me, right? Just friends?" (Yes, absolutely, definitely!)
• 7 folks have responded "You're 27 and a principal? How dreamy/fancy/ambitious/areyourich..." No, just no.
• 6 women I've contacted have responded with "yeah, I've gotten that 'my wife is gay' line before, not thanks, not looking for a hookup." (Neither am I. And really? Guys use that to get laid? Ew!)
• 5 of the folks I've contacted have been interested in long-term pen-palling (no problem there)
• 4 women have invited me to 'kink parties' (never been, not interested at this time)
• I've met up with 3 folks who seem like they'll make fine friends (I had a blast, I weirdly miss them already).
• 2 of the friend-types I've met up with have, on my ask for a second get-together, felt the need to insist "and it's only friends, right? Right? Right?"

It's exciting, it's fun, it's mind-numbingly terrifying. Mostly, it confirms that I'm absolutely new at this and need practice. And that I love people. And how lonely it is to be 'the boss' at work, in such a public position of community leadership and functionally single - it basically eliminates 'fraternizing' with all of those I spend time with day to day, not to mention that fact that my colleagues are all 20-40 years my senior.

Every time I meet someone new (and even moreso afterwards), I have found my anxiety going through the roof. "Did he like me? I had a good time, did she? Will they text me back?" I think it's going to be a loooong road. What about you? How do you deal with reaching out to make new social connections? What are your struggles? Your successes?

I'm going to take an OKC break for a bit to focus on cultivating the few new friends I'm making and to see how it goes. I guess you could say it's good 'practice' for when I'm back on OKC and possibly ready to start searching for something more.

Turns out you CAN beat a royal flush

ACES: My score is 7.

Kings: My sister attempted to make the King of Hearts when I was 14.

Queens: When I had reconstructive surgery to take my feet from grotesquely crooked size 17s to straight and functional 13s, my other sister dubbed herself the 'queen of mean' and routinely would stomp on the broken bones.

Jacks: They're sharp and pointy, like the hammer I put through my left hand at 16 by mistake while sharpening it.

Tens: I used to weigh 42 of them in pounds and had all the associate stigma and health problems to go with it.

And yet, somehow, I've never experienced agony like this. Never even imagined suffering on this level. I know it may sound petty - I'm fed, healthy, have a great son and am still best friends with my gay wife - but holy hell this hurts. And all the more for finally finding some grounding.

Gounded

Today I was sick.

Today I stayed home.

Today I read to Little Smye for 3 hours.

Today I took a hike in the woods.

Today I found hundreds upon hundreds of frost feathers.

Frost feather on a stick

Today I am grounded. Today I hurt like hell. Today I laughed. Today I screamed in the middle of the woods where no one heard. Today I felt heard.

Today I found the world I live in beautiful again, even if only for a moment.

Tomorrow, I don't know, but I'm hopeful. Tomorrow, I will still be grounded.

Finances

As many of you know, The Socialist and I have built our life together around our farmstead. We both work demanding jobs and find enormous joy in caring for our goats, ducks, chickens, and produce every afternoon and weekend - it's the stuff life is made of.

The Socialiste only catch is it's also expensive. Repairs to the fence, extra feed when the snows come, the cost of watering the garden, soil alteration, and simply the mortgage required to sustain a large enough property and our home take a financial toll. But we're alright - together we make ends meet and our combined income is enough to get us by.

For now, well, we're still together. But at some point we won't be. I don't want to give up this life. Neither does she, but unless we can both find partners who A. are the loves of our lives, B. are willing to move way out in the woods and C. make bookoo bucks, that's not really an option.

It feels petty, especially with all of the other fears, insecurities, and pain surrounding this whole situation, but I'm also scared of losing my home, my goats, my food sources, my lifestyle. I don't want to go back to an apartment, or the city, or anything other than where I am. The Socialistis is the first place I've allowed myself to put down roots.

Damn it.

Proud hubby

The Socialist is out at a lesbian book club, I'm so proud of her for stepping WAY outside of her comfort zone and reaching out to form a new social group. Not to mention I love the chance to spend time with little Smye one on one.

Anyone have any suggestions for forming new social groups for me? I've realized that I've got no social group of my own, just a few isolated friends ends here and there, but I'm eager to join/create a social group.

Go F*** Yourself - Kindly

To those in outrage, demanding I divorce The Socialist tomorrow - I appreciate your willingness to do the unpopular, go against my wishes and 'tell it like it is' - no sarcasm, I really admire your commitment to authenticity. However, I hope you'll agree (and if you don't, oh well) that you don't quite understand the dynamics of my marriage. Short version - we'll both be finding new exclusive partners when we're each ready as individuals, divorcing at that time, but maintaining our incredible friendship through it all and maintaining our wonderful partnership in the meantime. I'll even likely help write her OK-Cupid (or whatever service she uses) profile and walk her down the aisle - and vice versa. As a society, all we can do is accept that the experience of folks who discover their sexuality "late" in life and the choices they and their partners make (keep in mind, we're significantly younger than you probably think we are - we both graduated high school and college very early and were married at an age most could call unconscionable) might not reflect our own but is still real for them, and support and love those around us in spite of not understanding or even thinking they are completely out of their minds. But seriously, your apparent internal outrage on my behalf is weirdly comforting . I will say though that your advice did have the effect of making me feel silenced by you rather than helping me 'find my voice.' For what it's worth.

Straight Spouse Report

Well that was interesting.

 

Last night I attended my first straight-spouses network meeting. Some good, many blah, one very bad. All in all worth it, I think. It's monthly, so I'll certainly be attending again in December and we'll just see how it goes.

 

For those wondering: Straight Spouse Network is a support group for people whose spouse, or other committed partner - in an assumed heterosexual relationship - have come out as LGBTIQ. I'm actively working on expanding my network of friends and peers and figured hey, why not attend an event of folks who've been through a similar trauma experience - turns out we didn't have as much in common as I'd hoped, but there were one or two gentlemen with whom I connected. It was good to connect with folks, but there was this one guy who was absolutely full of S and kept demanding everyone acknowledge what an incredible husband he was while citing bogus stats while spouting about the 'ridiculous charges' he's facing (8 counts of assault, all from different women - suspicious to say the least) - he about drove me crazy.

 

I'll also admit (on an entirely separate notes) that it's tough to always be the youngest person in the room by a good 15-20 years - whether I'm at work, the straight spouse network or elsewhere. The Socialiste comments of " wow, you're so lucky to be doing this now" or "you must be ________ to be here now, my son is five years older and he only just now managed to ______" are entirely aggravating and don't serve to move the conversation in the least. The Socialiste odd genuine question is fine - but belaboring the fact as though I'm some sort of marvel or else overly ambitious and whatnot is frustrating - thanks for reading my venting... Done now.

 

And thank you again all for allowing me the space to air my process here and get support.

 

Oh, one more thing. Last night The Socialist did confirm that, although she's in 'absolutely no rush... may be 3 years even,' she does, indeed, want a divorce at some point so as to pursue other relationships. She is not open to an 'expanded family' model. Poop on a stick!