"I want to let go but there's comfort in the panic." - Linkin Park
Givens:
I want a thing, I want it desperately.
I cannot request the thing at this time myself, it has to be offered.
The wanting hurts like nothing before it.
I could choose not to request this thing once I am able, walk away, move on and hurt maybe 20% as much until I find a replacement thing and then only 5%.
I want this thing more than any other thing.
If I get the thing in, it is worth the agony of the waiting for the ecstasy of the thing.
Unknowns:
Will I be allowed this thing at all?
Is there another thing in existence comparable to the one I want?
Am I missing other things perhaps superior to this thing with my singlemindedness?
Will this thing truly satisfy?
Is the agony of the waiting worth just the potential of getting the thing?
Conclusion:
There is a thing that I want, want with heart and soul, gut and mind, body and brain. I am in such pain not knowing what's coming. There is such deep agony in the ambiguity.
Givens:
I want a thing, I want it desperately.
I cannot request the thing at this time myself, it has to be offered.
The wanting hurts like nothing before it.
I could choose not to request this thing once I am able, walk away, move on and hurt maybe 20% as much until I find a replacement thing and then only 5%.
I want this thing more than any other thing.
If I get the thing in, it is worth the agony of the waiting for the ecstasy of the thing.
Unknowns:
Will I be allowed this thing at all?
Is there another thing in existence comparable to the one I want?
Am I missing other things perhaps superior to this thing with my singlemindedness?
Will this thing truly satisfy?
Is the agony of the waiting worth just the potential of getting the thing?
Conclusion:
There is a thing that I want, want with heart and soul, gut and mind, body and brain. I am in such pain not knowing what's coming. There is such deep agony in the ambiguity.
"So give up bro, move on, pursue another Thing and you'll be better off." says a dearly beloved friend of mine.
But that's not true.
Whether I get the thing or not, the choice to sit with this hell is absolutely worth it.
If, on some bright and sunny day, I'm blessed with the thing, if my soul is allowed to well up in a hallelujah, then HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY!!!
If not, if I am denied the thing I crave, then I'll cry, I'll hurt, I may even scream some. But I will have made choices in alignment with my integrity, genuinely pursuing the thing I most desire without allowing discomfort to dissuade me.
And even if I am denied, I know from experience that it will be a far more bearable sort of pain than the current ambiguity.
Perhaps it's madness, it's certainly contributed to yesterday's diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder with Episodic Hypomania. Perhaps this is a dangerous course of action. But it is the only course of action, however tantalizingly arduous, that is in alignment with my integrity.
Perhaps it's madness, it's certainly contributed to yesterday's diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder with Episodic Hypomania. Perhaps this is a dangerous course of action. But it is the only course of action, however tantalizingly arduous, that is in alignment with my integrity.
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