Curious.
There was no return address... but the postmark was from my hometown. Initially I panicked, thinking it was from one of my family members, but no. The handwriting was all wrong.
Curiouser.
I turned it over and noticed it was sealed with a wax seal bearing the letter "Z." Uh-oh. The Socialist's grandmother is the only person in my past who always, ALWAYS sends her letters with that stamp.
Curiouser and Curiouser indeed.
"Dear Smye,
I've thought about writing you, but part of me said 'no' but I want to reach out to you because I still care for you regardless of what has since happened. It is really not your fault - you loved my granddaughter for a long time and she could not return those feelings, desipite you deserving them, evidently. My question is why did you two marry? I think The Socialist will be all right, she never really had love to lose, but what about you? It must be so difficult to be able to accept Little Smye as being Snugglet. He is so young to have decided that. He is also much more than just very bright! I've cried over this; while I will have to accept most of it, it is really hard to realize how much has changed.
I just want you to find your own happiness because you deserve it. Hopefully you have started to move on.
Is your family lost to you? Will that always be? I don't know it all - is The Socialist the cause of this schism? I do hope not, but is it possible to have any of them in your life again?
Sorry for all the questions! You do not have to explain anything to me. Could we just keep this letter between us? If you may sometime in the future wish to contact me - [contact info redacted.]"
Whoa. Um. What? Wait... um... thanks? Fuck yourself? That's sweet? How dare you? You mean well? Alright, let's annotate. Black text is original, red is mine.
"Dear Smye,
I've thought about writing you, but part of me said 'no' but I want to reach out to you because I still care for you regardless of what has since happened Wait, are you implying I was in the wrong here? Why would The Socialist being gay change your care for me? Or is my worth only in being your granddaughter's husband? Oh, wait, I'm jumping to conclusions, sorry. THANK YOU for reaching out, that is very kind. It is really not your fault truth! - you loved my granddaughter for a long time age 5 onward... I suppose that's quite a while and she could not return those feelings yup, and it sucked, but we tried, despite you deserving them, evidently. My question is why did you two marry? Well... I did manage to create a narrative for both of us from an early age that our union was 'inevitable' (thanks Agent Smith). That and we were genuinely close and had deep loves for one another. It was just that we figured her love was aromantic pre-wedding because she was 'holier' than the other girls. I'd won. Oops. We were wrong. Super bummer. But we meant our vows and vowed to keep trying, to find a way to make it work. And then she realized she was gay. Nevermind. Crap. I hope that explains somewhat. I think The Socialist will be all right, she never really had love to lose you mean well, it's been over two years now... but... ouch?, but what about you? It must be so difficult to be able to accept Little Smye as being Snugglet The fuck? This came out of left field - weren't we just talking about the pain of losing the love of my life and realizing the love I thought I had never existed? How on earth does Snugglet's transition play into this? And to clarify, I hear that that's tough for you... but seriously? When she came out and transitioned, it was one of the single most joyous moments of my life. He is so young to have decided that I was pretty grounded in my male-ness before I was 3... makes sense she could know herself also. He is also much more than just very bright again with the nonsequitor! I've cried over this which this? And that's cool - regardless of which 'this,' it's important to honor our feelings. I'm glad you got that cry on; while I will have to accept most of it which parts are you allowed to reject?, it is really hard to realize how much has changed. Also, for the record, I really REALLY appreciated your appropriate use of a semicolon.
I just want you to find your own happiness because you deserve it Thanks and I agree. I'm working really hard at it, struggling with some depression and anxiety, but making the most of it and seeing gains. Hopefully you have started to move on.
Is your family lost to you Oh right... we never gave you the full scoop. Yes.? Will that always be yes? I don't know it all - is The Socialist the cause of this schism nope? I do hope not, but is it possible to have any of them in your life again only with bars between us. Dad was my rapist. Mom was my covert-rapist. Both threatened to kill me and tried to kidnap The Socialist back in the day. Not happening I'm guessing this is throwing you for a bit of a loop... sorrynotsorry?
Sorry for all the questions! Actually, I appreciate the questions - it shows you care and, more importantly in some regards given the nature of our relationship historically (you didn't like me when I was fat and then started calling me handsome/hot/etc rather than by my name when I dropped 250 lb), I really appreciate that you were authentic in this rather than just being all 'silver linings' or whatever. You do not have to explain anything to me I'm glad we agree on this. Also... now that I think of it. If you're sorry to have asked so many questions after taking the time to handwrite this letter, why go further and expend the energy to stamp, address, and stuff the envelope, walk out to the mailbox, and pop it in? I'm seriously doubting the authenticity of your apology. Could we just keep this letter between us Um... apparently not... I'll keep you contact info redacted. I'll only tell The Socialist that you wrote rather than giving her the letter. But no - I need to process this and my blog is the most efficient way for me to do so? If you may sometime in the future wish to contact me I'm not sure. Part of me wants to honor your reaching out by writing back. Part of me wants to just be done. And part of me is confused as hell - why now? What spurred this? What are your motives? What are you wanting from me? Or are you just hurting and seeking balm? - [contact info redacted.]" Promise kept.
Snugglet just finally quit tossing and turning as I write this, so I'm going to try to sneak out of her room and head home - it's getting late. I'll likely revisit this post with a more cohesive/cogent reflection, but in the meanwhile I'm curious to hear from you. What would you do in my shoes, and why?
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