Brevity

Well that didn't last as long as either of us had hoped or planned.

Updates 3.0

Wow... it's been a bit.

I've not written in some time, have I? I suppose that when I've felt the need, I've had other supports, other resources. And when I've not had those, I haven't particularly felt the need. I don't know whether this will be the last post here or whether at some point GWCL will come roaring back to life - we'll see. What I do know is that I don't want to post endless bullet-lists. I want to put meaty substance into the world, not just a handful of lists. That said, I have received a handful of 'so Smye, I rely on your blog to know what's going on in your life, post again soon?' and so will post this list.

1. Things didn't work out with The Botanist. She's an amazing, wonderful, creative, beautiful, hilarious, deeply insightful, passionate, and brilliant human being. She is a full-throated scream of joy in the face of darkness in our world. But it didn't work out. I'll not go into detail, but suffice it to say we were aligned in 99.8% of our goals, but that 0.2%, although a quantity that would certainly have been workable were it any other portion of our goals, was a deal breaker. We'd talked through our relationship about maintaining a friendship after the end of a romance should it end... and I was hoping that it would be possible. But, as sexy as I find boundary setting, to do so was something she was unable to accommodate. I love her deeply, and am, several months later, still actively mourning the loss of her presence in my life. Perhaps one day we'll be able to reconnect, I'd like that, but I won't count on it. Ms. Botanist - should you read this, I wish you the very best and am so deeply sorry it didn't work between us. I miss you heartily!
2. I've moved to a place of my own. The Socialist, as previously mentioned, did not take well to continuing to cohabitate so, at the new year, I moved back into the woods and am very pleased with this (temporary) landing.
3. I made an enormous breakthrough in therapy - turns out my inability to work on job application essays is not due to perfectionism in and of itself, but to a lack of dialogue and an immobilizing abhorrence of being misunderstood - even in part.
4. I've (clearly) established some solid friendships, relationships, chosen family, etc. and am thriving in that regard.
5. I got my first two tattoos. Very very very happy with them, even now, 3 months later (yeah yeah, I know, that's nothing). One is a framework through which I seek to view the needs of those around me to understand their behavior, and the other is a conceptual framework by which I attempt to live my life in restorative recognition of my own privilege in this world. They're pretty awesome. Know me IRL? Ask me about them. Please. Please. I want to speech at you about them ;)
6. Snugglet has adjusted well to my move.
7. Max, my buddy, my pal, my formerly-200-lb-now-85-lb goldendoodle was rehomed. My new place does not allow dogs and The Socialist can't handle his hugeness. This one hurts. Badly.
8. I broke up with The Botanist a while ago. I'm still mourning her - as mentioned. BUT. And this is new. I have started dating The Apologist. 'What's new?' you ask. A lot. Perhaps (likely) I'll dedicate an entire post to The Apologist at a later date, but the short version is that she is someone I have known and loved for quite some time. She was around when The Socialist first came out (or a handful of weeks later). She was the person I initially shared with, who sat with me as a melted into a puddle of sobs and hopelessness. She was among those close to me that stood around and watched, comforted, supported as I ventured into dating, whether it was delightful or horrific. She is chosen family, before dating. And that's new for me. It's also utterly terrifying. It means I'm putting a lot on the line by dating her. I trust The Apologist. I believe that, should it end, we'd be able to maintain the friendship... but it's definitely a big risk. I suppose, though, that taking that risk is precisely what this blog advocated in its first few posts. Jumping in with both feet (within reason) and having the grace for myself when and if I hurt or hurt others. We'll see.

Several Months in Several Lines

It's been a while, but I'm eager to get back to this. Writing about my experiences, hearing from some of you... well... it's a big piece of self-care that I've been neglecting and that, for entirely selfish reasons, I'm eager to re-integrate into my life.

That said, a shit-ton has happened since my last post. I don't have the energy or the time to fully document it all right now, so I'm going to keep it to bullets. HOWEVER, I do hope to elaborate on a few of these at a later date.

So let's see... what's been happening?

1. I was a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Yep, that's right. Now the real question, can you pick me out from the 2016-2017 contestants? Here's a hint... I wasn't a celebrity guest.
   What's that? How did I do? I can't tell you that, it might spoil the fun (but don't worry, I'll update on that after this season ends!)
   
   
   
   
   
2. I was a contestant on NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me and now Carl Kassel's voice is enshrined in my voicemail.
   
   
   
   
   
3. I sold the farm, sold the goats, lost the ability to grow my own food, and moved to a rental in town. The short version is that The Socialist has one end of the house and I have the other with Snugglet in the middle... It's painful, it actually pretty much sucks - we'd expected to be living apart by now and The Socialist is starting to feel somewhat resentful of my continued presence. It's hard to blame her, but until we have finances nailed down (which is taking a long time due to Snugglet's special needs) it's not a good idea to pay 2 rents.
   
   

   

   Goodbye girls! I'll miss you!

   
   

   
   
4. Little Smye is no longer. Little Smye is now Snugglet. I was wrong, I have a daughter, not a son.
5. I started dating The Botanist. She's pretty damn awesome. And also slightly woo. I love it! More on her to come... of that you can be sure.
6. I met Giada!
7. The protection order I have against my childhood abusers was violated (I'll say allegedly, so as to avoid any possible Libel suit).
8. I spent far too long going back and forth with the prosecuting and defense attorneys on this... but we'll see where it goes. The jury trial is coming up.
9. I lived out of a motel for 10 nights, against my will. I learned how much I hate living in a sleezy motel... and how much I love living in a space that's entirely 'mine.'
10. I secured an attorney to help with the finalizing of the divorce (it's entirely non-contested/amicable... but we each want to have someone to at least look at it).
11. I went to 5 different conferences - I love to learn but I'm exhausted.
12. We got mental healthcare for students at work. WOOT!
13. I went to my first Metal Festival... Disturbed was excellent.
14. I found 7 new species of mushroom.
    
    

    

    1/4 of the 12 lb beast I found... YUM

    
    
15. I made a few new friends.
16. I went to my first Friendsgiving and had the best Thanksgiving I've had in a long long time.
17. I stopped sleepwalking altogether.
18. I started on my collection of short stories (we'll see if they ever go anywhere).
19. I got a new contract and title change at work.
20. I started painting. That's why I've gone so long without blogging... all of the time I'd spent blogging has been spent painting.
    
    
    
    
    

    

    The tea and chutney were added after the first photo

    
    
21. And I got back to GayWifeConfusingLife... what a few months it's been!

Updates 2.0

The Actress is back. She's a delightful human who I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. She's also committed (for now) to at least 2 years without a romance and it's utterly delightful to have no pressure from her as well, she's an excellent human, but I'd not want to pursue further at this point - if forced to pick a desert-island companion today, yep, she'd be in the running... but I'm very grateful for her current role and not remotely eager to change that. It's lovely to have another friend in my life.

Lastly, tomorrow The Gourmand (my AllRecipes friend) and I will be making hundreds of sushi (maki, nigiri, gunkan, and sashimi) in a dry run of a party she's catering and some recipes I'll be submitting to AR. Should be a good time.

Update 4/3/16: A few have asked about my long term goals with The Actress, suggesting that either I ought to actively pursue romance and quit 'beating around the bush' or else 'stay the hell away.' Rather than answering to each email as it comes, I thought I'd just answer here. So, what are my long term goals with The Actress? I have none, other than to keep her influence in my life as someone I value and respect. Am I pursuing or even hoping for romance? Nope. Am I dead set against it? Nope. And for now, that's plenty.

Breakup Broken

It's been 1 day since the breakup.

It went... as to the quality of the going - I'm not sure how to measure it. This is my first dating relationship and my first breakup ever (at 27). There were a lot of tears on both ends, she kept asking "what could I have done differently? But don't worry, I won't try to change myself for you" and I kept choosing not to go there - I trust her intent. I have complete and total faith that she 100% means what she says.


But when The Socialist came out and asked for a divorce, I  did the same thing. And so I don't trust that she wouldn't carry my potential words around with her as a 'recipe' for 'fixing' herself to haunt her when jerkbrain rears it's ugly head.

She insists she wants to be besties  - so do I - but I think insisting on a break for a bit first so we're starting from as close to scratch as possible and so she can let the emotional dust settle a bit and make an authentic, fully informed decision as to how she wants to move forward rather than just the "DONT LEAVE, I'LL DO ANYTHING" unconcious bargaining I worry about.

The Map is Closed

Apologies all, for the lengthy absence. Suffice it to say a lot has been going on.

1 - I got picked up by AllRecipes as an AllRecipes AllStar Brand Ambassador - WOOT WOOT!

2 - I'm redesigning alternative education for an entire school district which - although rewarding - is utterly exhausting and a huge timesuck.

3 - The Cartographer has taken up nearly all of my restful moments - in ways both good (99%) and bad (1%).

4 - The Cartographer and I broke up.

Let's elaborate, shall we?

The Cartographer - A Brief Introduction

Well, the Actress seems to have ghosted entirely (or is legitimately seeking her own therapy/doing her own work, in which case, well done Actess, I can't wait to reconnect - be it as friends or more - when you're ready). 

 

On the other hand, The Cartographer has now emerged... I sent her a message in December. She was out of town. She replied the day The Actress said 'farewell.' We met for drinks and trivia. I was at ease. I was relaxed. I enjoyed her company. Her mind is beautiful. She is delightful. She is at least as intelligent as I am. I'm smitten. We've been seeing one another for a few weeks now. On Wednesday she asked me, "Smye, can I call you my boyfriend?" Hell yes! I guess I'm dating now. I couldn't be more pleased. More on her to come soon.

 

The Socialist has started pseudo-dating (though she doesn't use that term just yet) and I'm so excited for her! She also met The Cartographer last week and they seem to get on quite well thus far. They'll not meet again for some time, The Cartographer just wanted to verify my story before we started dating. I'm so pleased she's comfortable stating her needs.

 

Lastly - The Cartographer made my therapist cry, in a good way. This is going to be fun!

The Actress on Hold

This morning I woke up to a new text from The Actress - one that I was both surprised and gratified to read:

"Hi Smye,

Sorry for not responding to your message right away.  I really appreciate your understanding and for being so supportive of my need to take a step back. Honestly, I just got to a place last week where I realized my emotions are still just not sorted through properly, and that I’ve been seeking distraction from dealing with some of the hard things that I need to sit with and deal with over a period of time.

I think maybe for the moment I’d like to go radio silent to get some space and take stock of things, but I am not at all opposed to being friends and picking up getting to know each other when some time has passed and I feel like I’m in a better spot to do that. Would that be okay? I really do enjoy spending time with you, too.

So… I guess I’ll be in touch, then? And until then I hope all things for you go well, and your school and with Atticus and otherwise, and I look forward to catching up again before too long. :)

The Actress"

I must say, as disappointed as I still am to have had this relationship cut short (for the time being at least), I'm so gratified to have been smitten with someone so authentic and transparent in her own practice at life. Someone who's self-aware and willing to do her own work... yep, I definitely know that's the kind of person I need in a partner, the kind of person I need in a friend, and, HOORAY, the kind of person who I feel 'sparkly' towards. I hadn't been sure if that's the kind of person I'd find most attractive when I started this journey and - though it's far from over - I'm relieved that my first post-Mrs.-Smye crush is one of these people.

I certainly hope she reaches out once she's done her own work in this area, not prior, but not never. And if I never hear from her again, I'll be disappointed but fine and choose to trust that she's just doing what's in her best interest, working to be thankful she's caring for herself.

What, I presume, is our last message for quite a while follows:

"Good afternoon Actress,

Radio silence it is. Congratulations on your realization and determination to keep yourself healthy.

I look forward to reconnecting at some point, but please take as long as you need. And if I never her back from you, sure I'll be disappointed but will not resent you, instead trusting that it's in your best interest.

Take care, I wish you the best, and thank you for the time together we've had thus far. You have my profound respect.

Smye"

OKCupid 7

Getting ready for Date #3 with the woman from OKCupid 6. I'll call her The Actress, she should have a name but also have her privacy protected.

Very excited.

Like her a lot.

Going to continue to get to know one another, I've got a number of questions.

She texts, hooray!

What's it say? (edited to protect identities, etc.)

"Hey Smye,

So.. I think I need to cancel our get together next Sunday. I’ve decided that I need to pull back from OkCupid and further dates for now. unsure emoticon I had a couple other dates last week that got emotionally intense, which was very confusing and somewhat upsetting for me since I feel like I’m still very early in the process. I’ve been thinking about it for the last few days and I believe it would be a good idea for me to take a step back and reassess what exactly it is I’m looking for.

I hope you can understand, and I am sorry- I’ve really, truly enjoyed the couple dates we’ve had and was looking forward to the next one, but I think ultimately I’m just not in a very solid place to be dating right now, and that’s not a good way to step into dating. I believe that when the foundation isn’t healthy, someone will likely eventually end up getting hurt because old baggage will creep in and do damage to any new relationship. I’m seeing some things in myself that definitely need to be sorted out before I get to that healthy place.

If you’re open to me contacting you sometime in the not-so-distant future when I feel like I’m on more solid footing, I would love to keep that possibility open, but if not I will of course respect that as well. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you as much as I have so far, and I feel regretful that the timing just isn’t right right now to continue to do so.

Thanks, Actress"

Damn. And good on you!

Of course, though, I like her. I respect her and appreciate her honestly and authenticity. And, even if we never date (though, the possibility still exists!), I want to be her friend. So, my response is as follows:

"Hi Actress, 

 

Thank you for your message. I so appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and authentic in your process and will absolutely respect your needs here. I admire your commitment to self care and making sure you remain healthy through this process.

To be certain, I'm disappointed. I like you a great deal  and am hopeful for the opportunity to continue to get to know you. I understand entirely needing to be in a healthy, independent place prior to diving into a relationship ill-equipped. I wish you the best in getting yourself into a place that you're ready and interested in pursuing a relationship. 

 

In the meantime, if it's not a poor choice on your part, I'd love to keep in touch as friends, then possibly pursue more when/if you're ready assuming both of us are on board. Or, if it's healthier/more supportive for you to go radio-silent for a time, I'd love to hear from you when you feel like you're on more solid footing to see about exploring a possible relationship at that time.

 

As mentioned previously, I'm in no particular hurry & I wasn't kidding when I said that time with you, by all measures thus far, is well worth waiting for - be it as only friends or someday more.

 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your mother and her partner.

Take care, and let me know if there is any support I can provide.

 

Smye"

 

By no means am I planning to 'wait for her.' 1) That's not fair to me - who knows how long this will take, if she'll still be interested when/if she resumes dating, and even then whether we'd actually be a good match. 2) That's not fair to her - it sets up an implicit obligation on her part to contact me again and/or may inadvertently pressure her to rush a process which ought to happen organically. 3) Even if I'm in a relationship when/if she contacts me again, I really and truly want to be her friend. 4) I absolutely had a crush, wow... but I'm no where near ready for a serious relationship.

 

I suppose there's a hint of relief - there's no one I'm all that interested in at the moment, so the anxiety of 'are my feelings/hopes/etc returned?' has nowhere to take hold. Unfortuately - that's because I doubt anyone can ever live up to The Socialist in terms of intelligence, grace, charm, beauty, wittiness, authenticity, etc. Actress, she might have made it, but seriously, I'm picky and nothing on the horizon's yet measures up.

(Note: The Actress' nickname here is in no way commentary on her interactions with me - I just received a message alluding to as much - I think she's entirely genuine here.)

OKCupid 6

Clearly it's been a while. Holidays have come and passed (they were excellent by the way), I've been to several Meetups and spent time with friends old and new and have generally been spending less time hurting and more time out playing - hence the paucity of posts since... Wow, it's been longer than I thought.

Quick updates:
New friends are excellent, especially when combined with trivia night, Star Wars, or a Boardgames & Booze Meetup

When your ex moves to the guest bedroom and even goodnight hugs stop... it hurts like hell.

Back on OKCupid - now that I'm hurting weekly instead of daily and feeling quite sufficient to be enough for myself - my therapist and I agreed a while back that I'm ready to dip my toe in the water.

I went on my first ever "date-date" just last week and had a blast.

I'm also considering taking yet another OKCupid hiatus. In the last week I've been on a total of 4 dates with 3 women:
1 was a bust - though I doubt I'll get into that here.
1 I can absolutely see being great friends with.
And 1, well, I'm not entirely sure. I like her a great deal. She was date number 1 and date number 4. I don't know how comfortable she would be with starting more than a casual dating relationship, nor am I certain I want that just yet (thank goodness I have therapy on Tuesday, because I also do want it - just anxious about diving in too soon.) What I know for sure is that I find her to be a long list of adjectives I won't bore you with. Every time I try to put them down they come out sounding ridiculously corny, predictable, and contrived-as-a-90's-era-made-for-TV-disney-romance-movie (Susie Q!), despite being entirely genuine (she's intelligent, well-educated, caring, self-aware, beautiful, funny, etc. ad nauseum.) What I suppose I can safely declare here is the following:

• I like her a lot.
• I am confident, barring any fiendish secrets or surprises, that we can be excellent friends.
• I am honestly open to the idea of more developing while consciously working to make sure I am also open to the idea of just being friends if it doesn't.
• I fear proposing more than friendship (once I'm ready) as I know many are uncomfortable remaining friends if becoming more has been broached but isn't an option.

I also know that it's exhausting being on OKCupid and I'd rather put what time and energy I have into pursuing my new friendships and sticking to just one possible-someday-romance at a time. No judgement, whatsoever, on what you do/how you date. Nor would I have the same expectation of a potential partner until she and I had agreed to 'be exclusive" (or whatever the modern kids are using in place of 'going steady'); that's just where I'm at.