1 - I got picked up by AllRecipes as an AllRecipes AllStar Brand Ambassador - WOOT WOOT!
2 - I'm redesigning alternative education for an entire school district which - although rewarding - is utterly exhausting and a huge timesuck.
3 - The Cartographer has taken up nearly all of my restful moments - in ways both good (99%) and bad (1%).
4 - The Cartographer and I broke up.
Let's elaborate, shall we?
The Cartographer is a wonderful, beautiful, kind, intelligent, funny, intelligent, clever, intelligent and loving woman whom I like quite a bit. That hasn't changed, and I don't think it ever will.
We dated for nearly 2 weeks until well, yesterday when I asked us to revert to friendship, if she's willing/able.
We had a lot of great time together. We cooked, we cleaned, we went to the reptile museum, we held one another while we cried over a Nature documentary about moose, we geeked out over Sci-Fi, we played board games, we sat and talked for hours on end, we sat in silence and simply enjoyed being together. It was delightful. I'm hopeful it can be again, as friends, for now anyway.
What follows is a draft I wrote of my feelings/thoughts/wonderings while waiting in a hospital waiting room to pick her up and drive her home... I wrote it roughly 45 minutes before we broke up. It's unedited as I'm hoping to preserve my thoughts in real time, please forgive any typos or inaccuracies - emotions are hard.
"All was going splendidly. And then suddenly, I knew.
Last week we were watching Agents of Shield on her couch, and all of a sudden she pulled the blankets over her head and trembled, nonresponsive for nearly an hour. I did my best to support/comfort etc., but to no avail.
Eventually she came out, bedraggled and exhausted and let me know that "Smye, your love is the only thing that kept me here, that keeps me going right now." This wasn't the first comment along these lines, but it was the most explicit. Unfortunately... even then it took me an entire week to actually process that this was a red flag for both of us. Then, not an hour ago while reflecting on all of this, I knew.
And once I know something, I can't unknow it. I knew that I want to complement someone, not complete them. In fact, I can't be in a romance in which I complete them and remain healthy myself.
Don't mistake me, a case of anxiety or a panic attack is nothing out of the ordinary, nor is it something I need a partner not to have. I have all the love and grace in the world for folks with that particular challenge - I've got my own mental health concerns. To blame or fault someone for any sort of mental health concern is akin to blaming the victim in a hit and run for having a broken leg. Are drugs crutches? Yup. So are real crutches, you've got a broken leg, you probably shouldn't try sprinting just now. You suffer schizophrenia (The Cartographer doesn't), you probably should be taking your meds. No blame, no shame.
No, my concern here is about the dependence/codependence I think we are developing. I see it in myself, the need to be needed, and it scares me. I hear it in her words. I care for her. I care for myself. And I can't abide either of us going through an unhealthy relationship and the suffering that would undoubtedly generate.
Don't mistake me, a case of anxiety or a panic attack is nothing out of the ordinary, nor is it something I need a partner not to have. I have all the love and grace in the world for folks with that particular challenge - I've got my own mental health concerns. To blame or fault someone for any sort of mental health concern is akin to blaming the victim in a hit and run for having a broken leg. Are drugs crutches? Yup. So are real crutches, you've got a broken leg, you probably shouldn't try sprinting just now. You suffer schizophrenia (The Cartographer doesn't), you probably should be taking your meds. No blame, no shame.
No, my concern here is about the dependence/codependence I think we are developing. I see it in myself, the need to be needed, and it scares me. I hear it in her words. I care for her. I care for myself. And I can't abide either of us going through an unhealthy relationship and the suffering that would undoubtedly generate.
I'm also left wondering... "is this someone who could effectively co-parent my son given the incredible emotional demands that being with him takes?"
Options: I could continue with The Cartographer in the hopes that her declarations that "I'm not usually like this" are true and it clears up soon... but then I'm dating her on false pretenses - we've agreed to break up as soon as something happens that, even if temporary, would, if left unchecked, be a deal breaker for marriage. That's not something I think is necessary in every relationship, but its what we've committed to within the confines of this relationship.
OR...
I could tell The Cartographer "Hey, I love you, I like you, but I need us to turn down the intensity until you're more stable." and go back to 'just friends' if she's game... and lose that relationship if not I DO NOT WANT THAT. I do not want this. I do not want this. I do not want to break up with The Cartographer.
But I think I need to. I want to stay friends. I want to stay best friends. I want her to get her meds corrected (turns out she was taking the wrong dosage and now her thyroid is doing all sorts of 'fun' things) and then for her to suddenly be enough for her own self. Then start dating again. I want to count on it. But I care too much for her, too much for myself, to count on something like this and keep at it.
But I think I need to. I want to stay friends. I want to stay best friends. I want her to get her meds corrected (turns out she was taking the wrong dosage and now her thyroid is doing all sorts of 'fun' things) and then for her to suddenly be enough for her own self. Then start dating again. I want to count on it. But I care too much for her, too much for myself, to count on something like this and keep at it.
f**k f**k f**k
What I don't want to do is bail on The Cartographer prematurely... or on just an emotional whump-surge.
BUT - there's no way in hell I'm staying in a relationship on false pretences when I know that, unless something changes, I'm not going to be able to wed this woman. And before you all pounce and say 'just date casually, why so serious?" If I didn't have Little Smye to consider, perhaps I'd give it longer to see... but I'm looking for his next mama and his wellbeing wouldn't be well served with The Cartographer where she is. And she's looking for the same... and if I know that the way things are wouldn't work out that way, then I'd be lying to her to stay in it. Damn.
Now the only question is how to go about this in a way that is as honest, as compassionate, and as caring as possible while remaining entirely authentic.
Any thoughts, suggestions, questions, virtual hugs, ideas, anything related are all much appreciated. I've just sent a follow-up text that I'm in the waiting room. I think she'll be here shortly.
No comments:
Post a Comment