...And there's not a darned thing I can do about it.
The Socialist continues to grow. She continues to change. She continues individualize and separate her identity. I am so proud of her. I hurt so much.
Recently we realized that we both want so badly to keep our home, but neither of us believes it would be sustainable to continue sharing a living space. Yet we can't afford to build an addition or a second dwelling on the property.
Then one of The Socialist's good friends came up with what seemed the perfect solution - add about eight feet of interior wall and convert the house to a duplex. I feel no sense of loss at 'losing' access to The Socialist, only the dread of losing the casual interactions with Little Smye on her parenting nights and the sense of 'hey now, this is MY house, why don't I get to keep it?" But realistically, I'll still share a roof with my son, he's a 20 foot walk and a door knock away, and really... it gets us both what we want.
Perfect right? If only.
As Nobel Laureate Andre Gide once said,
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” As much as I loathe it... I think it's time to head out to sea and hope the weather holds...
(more after the jump)
Last week we had a real estate agent friend out to advise us on how to go about converting the house to a duplex by adding a central interior wall (cost estimate, impact on resale, etc etc). Long story short, her advice was DO NOT DO IT! We (apparently) have somewhere between $200k and $250k in equity in the house (hooray for buying in late 2011 and it being an election year approaching summer) and, in her work over the last 30 years, she's helped a number of clients (which we are not) through similar divorces (one spouse realizes they are gay and it's amicable) and only once has living on the same property survived beyond the acquisition of a new partner. In all the others, even those who'd been best of friends since childhood, things eventually turned ugly. Not to mention the fact that The Socialist has made it clear she wants a home entirely to herself within the next 5 years.
Additionally, the preschools and elementary schools that provide appropriate services for Little Smye are all out of the district we live in now. Her advice is: Sell the house this summer, use the profits to 1) give The Socialist a large chunk of $ to survive on while she sets up her practice/downpayment on a small house for her/Little Smye 2) give myself a smaller chunk (only $80k) to completely zero out all student loans 3) reduce my spousal support by way of the larger share of profits going to The Socialist at the outset 4) provide myself a larger portion of his income to be able to rent for a short while near to work and build a stockpile to buy again when the market next drops 5) provide Little Smye a stable, single move, landing in a near-forever home.
It's utterly heartbreaking, but admittedly seems to be the most reasonable solution. I don't want to give up my home, but I can't afford to support my own mortgage, a household for The Socialist once she moves out, AND make my student loan payments. And if The Socialist is going to move Westward towards better schools for Little Smye , I want to be nearby.
My biggest anxiety (other than losing my wife [oh wait, that's already done] and not living with my son most of the time [in his best interest based on the careers of his parents]) is the financial aspect of all of this. The Socialist took a low paying job and I acquired $80k in student loans in order to maximize our family's long-term earning potential, but with the divorce it leaves us both effectively screwed... except that we've got such equity in the house that we can effectively solve both problems (giving her enough of a cushion to live off of until she finishes her licensure and eliminating all of my student debt).
We've not made any decisions at this point, but it's looking like we'll likely aim for a deal to be reached end-of-spring with closing in mid summer (I have a full month off this summer, which would allow for crashing on The Socialist's couch while I hunt for a new home once we have her securely placed). We'll also likely stay married until after the house is sold as there are no capital gains taxes on up to $500k if we're married, but $250k if we're divorced. We'll then see about doing one of those 'self-guided divorce' deals for $800 rather than the $8-20k attorney-guided divorces - we'll effectively have no further assets or debts to divvy up.
I'll be meeting with our former realtor (who helped us buy the house) in three days, and we'll go from there.
In brief, I'm terrified, I'm reluctant, I'm suffering. But I'm also hopeful. Perhaps, just maybe, I'll find land again, or at least a beautiful sea.
