On Patience and Its Price

"I want to let go but there's comfort in the panic." - Linkin Park

Brevity

Well that didn't last as long as either of us had hoped or planned.

Updates 3.0

Wow... it's been a bit.

I've not written in some time, have I? I suppose that when I've felt the need, I've had other supports, other resources. And when I've not had those, I haven't particularly felt the need. I don't know whether this will be the last post here or whether at some point GWCL will come roaring back to life - we'll see. What I do know is that I don't want to post endless bullet-lists. I want to put meaty substance into the world, not just a handful of lists. That said, I have received a handful of 'so Smye, I rely on your blog to know what's going on in your life, post again soon?' and so will post this list.

1. Things didn't work out with The Botanist. She's an amazing, wonderful, creative, beautiful, hilarious, deeply insightful, passionate, and brilliant human being. She is a full-throated scream of joy in the face of darkness in our world. But it didn't work out. I'll not go into detail, but suffice it to say we were aligned in 99.8% of our goals, but that 0.2%, although a quantity that would certainly have been workable were it any other portion of our goals, was a deal breaker. We'd talked through our relationship about maintaining a friendship after the end of a romance should it end... and I was hoping that it would be possible. But, as sexy as I find boundary setting, to do so was something she was unable to accommodate. I love her deeply, and am, several months later, still actively mourning the loss of her presence in my life. Perhaps one day we'll be able to reconnect, I'd like that, but I won't count on it. Ms. Botanist - should you read this, I wish you the very best and am so deeply sorry it didn't work between us. I miss you heartily!
2. I've moved to a place of my own. The Socialist, as previously mentioned, did not take well to continuing to cohabitate so, at the new year, I moved back into the woods and am very pleased with this (temporary) landing.
3. I made an enormous breakthrough in therapy - turns out my inability to work on job application essays is not due to perfectionism in and of itself, but to a lack of dialogue and an immobilizing abhorrence of being misunderstood - even in part.
4. I've (clearly) established some solid friendships, relationships, chosen family, etc. and am thriving in that regard.
5. I got my first two tattoos. Very very very happy with them, even now, 3 months later (yeah yeah, I know, that's nothing). One is a framework through which I seek to view the needs of those around me to understand their behavior, and the other is a conceptual framework by which I attempt to live my life in restorative recognition of my own privilege in this world. They're pretty awesome. Know me IRL? Ask me about them. Please. Please. I want to speech at you about them ;)
6. Snugglet has adjusted well to my move.
7. Max, my buddy, my pal, my formerly-200-lb-now-85-lb goldendoodle was rehomed. My new place does not allow dogs and The Socialist can't handle his hugeness. This one hurts. Badly.
8. I broke up with The Botanist a while ago. I'm still mourning her - as mentioned. BUT. And this is new. I have started dating The Apologist. 'What's new?' you ask. A lot. Perhaps (likely) I'll dedicate an entire post to The Apologist at a later date, but the short version is that she is someone I have known and loved for quite some time. She was around when The Socialist first came out (or a handful of weeks later). She was the person I initially shared with, who sat with me as a melted into a puddle of sobs and hopelessness. She was among those close to me that stood around and watched, comforted, supported as I ventured into dating, whether it was delightful or horrific. She is chosen family, before dating. And that's new for me. It's also utterly terrifying. It means I'm putting a lot on the line by dating her. I trust The Apologist. I believe that, should it end, we'd be able to maintain the friendship... but it's definitely a big risk. I suppose, though, that taking that risk is precisely what this blog advocated in its first few posts. Jumping in with both feet (within reason) and having the grace for myself when and if I hurt or hurt others. We'll see.

OKCupid 7

Getting ready for Date #3 with the woman from OKCupid 6. I'll call her The Actress, she should have a name but also have her privacy protected.

Very excited.

Like her a lot.

Going to continue to get to know one another, I've got a number of questions.

She texts, hooray!

What's it say? (edited to protect identities, etc.)

"Hey Smye,

So.. I think I need to cancel our get together next Sunday. I’ve decided that I need to pull back from OkCupid and further dates for now. unsure emoticon I had a couple other dates last week that got emotionally intense, which was very confusing and somewhat upsetting for me since I feel like I’m still very early in the process. I’ve been thinking about it for the last few days and I believe it would be a good idea for me to take a step back and reassess what exactly it is I’m looking for.

I hope you can understand, and I am sorry- I’ve really, truly enjoyed the couple dates we’ve had and was looking forward to the next one, but I think ultimately I’m just not in a very solid place to be dating right now, and that’s not a good way to step into dating. I believe that when the foundation isn’t healthy, someone will likely eventually end up getting hurt because old baggage will creep in and do damage to any new relationship. I’m seeing some things in myself that definitely need to be sorted out before I get to that healthy place.

If you’re open to me contacting you sometime in the not-so-distant future when I feel like I’m on more solid footing, I would love to keep that possibility open, but if not I will of course respect that as well. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you as much as I have so far, and I feel regretful that the timing just isn’t right right now to continue to do so.

Thanks, Actress"

Damn. And good on you!

Of course, though, I like her. I respect her and appreciate her honestly and authenticity. And, even if we never date (though, the possibility still exists!), I want to be her friend. So, my response is as follows:

"Hi Actress, 

 

Thank you for your message. I so appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and authentic in your process and will absolutely respect your needs here. I admire your commitment to self care and making sure you remain healthy through this process.

To be certain, I'm disappointed. I like you a great deal  and am hopeful for the opportunity to continue to get to know you. I understand entirely needing to be in a healthy, independent place prior to diving into a relationship ill-equipped. I wish you the best in getting yourself into a place that you're ready and interested in pursuing a relationship. 

 

In the meantime, if it's not a poor choice on your part, I'd love to keep in touch as friends, then possibly pursue more when/if you're ready assuming both of us are on board. Or, if it's healthier/more supportive for you to go radio-silent for a time, I'd love to hear from you when you feel like you're on more solid footing to see about exploring a possible relationship at that time.

 

As mentioned previously, I'm in no particular hurry & I wasn't kidding when I said that time with you, by all measures thus far, is well worth waiting for - be it as only friends or someday more.

 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your mother and her partner.

Take care, and let me know if there is any support I can provide.

 

Smye"

 

By no means am I planning to 'wait for her.' 1) That's not fair to me - who knows how long this will take, if she'll still be interested when/if she resumes dating, and even then whether we'd actually be a good match. 2) That's not fair to her - it sets up an implicit obligation on her part to contact me again and/or may inadvertently pressure her to rush a process which ought to happen organically. 3) Even if I'm in a relationship when/if she contacts me again, I really and truly want to be her friend. 4) I absolutely had a crush, wow... but I'm no where near ready for a serious relationship.

 

I suppose there's a hint of relief - there's no one I'm all that interested in at the moment, so the anxiety of 'are my feelings/hopes/etc returned?' has nowhere to take hold. Unfortuately - that's because I doubt anyone can ever live up to The Socialist in terms of intelligence, grace, charm, beauty, wittiness, authenticity, etc. Actress, she might have made it, but seriously, I'm picky and nothing on the horizon's yet measures up.

(Note: The Actress' nickname here is in no way commentary on her interactions with me - I just received a message alluding to as much - I think she's entirely genuine here.)