The Cartographer - A Brief Introduction

Well, the Actress seems to have ghosted entirely (or is legitimately seeking her own therapy/doing her own work, in which case, well done Actess, I can't wait to reconnect - be it as friends or more - when you're ready). 

 

On the other hand, The Cartographer has now emerged... I sent her a message in December. She was out of town. She replied the day The Actress said 'farewell.' We met for drinks and trivia. I was at ease. I was relaxed. I enjoyed her company. Her mind is beautiful. She is delightful. She is at least as intelligent as I am. I'm smitten. We've been seeing one another for a few weeks now. On Wednesday she asked me, "Smye, can I call you my boyfriend?" Hell yes! I guess I'm dating now. I couldn't be more pleased. More on her to come soon.

 

The Socialist has started pseudo-dating (though she doesn't use that term just yet) and I'm so excited for her! She also met The Cartographer last week and they seem to get on quite well thus far. They'll not meet again for some time, The Cartographer just wanted to verify my story before we started dating. I'm so pleased she's comfortable stating her needs.

 

Lastly - The Cartographer made my therapist cry, in a good way. This is going to be fun!

OKCupid 7

Getting ready for Date #3 with the woman from OKCupid 6. I'll call her The Actress, she should have a name but also have her privacy protected.

Very excited.

Like her a lot.

Going to continue to get to know one another, I've got a number of questions.

She texts, hooray!

What's it say? (edited to protect identities, etc.)

"Hey Smye,

So.. I think I need to cancel our get together next Sunday. I’ve decided that I need to pull back from OkCupid and further dates for now. unsure emoticon I had a couple other dates last week that got emotionally intense, which was very confusing and somewhat upsetting for me since I feel like I’m still very early in the process. I’ve been thinking about it for the last few days and I believe it would be a good idea for me to take a step back and reassess what exactly it is I’m looking for.

I hope you can understand, and I am sorry- I’ve really, truly enjoyed the couple dates we’ve had and was looking forward to the next one, but I think ultimately I’m just not in a very solid place to be dating right now, and that’s not a good way to step into dating. I believe that when the foundation isn’t healthy, someone will likely eventually end up getting hurt because old baggage will creep in and do damage to any new relationship. I’m seeing some things in myself that definitely need to be sorted out before I get to that healthy place.

If you’re open to me contacting you sometime in the not-so-distant future when I feel like I’m on more solid footing, I would love to keep that possibility open, but if not I will of course respect that as well. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you as much as I have so far, and I feel regretful that the timing just isn’t right right now to continue to do so.

Thanks, Actress"

Damn. And good on you!

Of course, though, I like her. I respect her and appreciate her honestly and authenticity. And, even if we never date (though, the possibility still exists!), I want to be her friend. So, my response is as follows:

"Hi Actress, 

 

Thank you for your message. I so appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and authentic in your process and will absolutely respect your needs here. I admire your commitment to self care and making sure you remain healthy through this process.

To be certain, I'm disappointed. I like you a great deal  and am hopeful for the opportunity to continue to get to know you. I understand entirely needing to be in a healthy, independent place prior to diving into a relationship ill-equipped. I wish you the best in getting yourself into a place that you're ready and interested in pursuing a relationship. 

 

In the meantime, if it's not a poor choice on your part, I'd love to keep in touch as friends, then possibly pursue more when/if you're ready assuming both of us are on board. Or, if it's healthier/more supportive for you to go radio-silent for a time, I'd love to hear from you when you feel like you're on more solid footing to see about exploring a possible relationship at that time.

 

As mentioned previously, I'm in no particular hurry & I wasn't kidding when I said that time with you, by all measures thus far, is well worth waiting for - be it as only friends or someday more.

 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your mother and her partner.

Take care, and let me know if there is any support I can provide.

 

Smye"

 

By no means am I planning to 'wait for her.' 1) That's not fair to me - who knows how long this will take, if she'll still be interested when/if she resumes dating, and even then whether we'd actually be a good match. 2) That's not fair to her - it sets up an implicit obligation on her part to contact me again and/or may inadvertently pressure her to rush a process which ought to happen organically. 3) Even if I'm in a relationship when/if she contacts me again, I really and truly want to be her friend. 4) I absolutely had a crush, wow... but I'm no where near ready for a serious relationship.

 

I suppose there's a hint of relief - there's no one I'm all that interested in at the moment, so the anxiety of 'are my feelings/hopes/etc returned?' has nowhere to take hold. Unfortuately - that's because I doubt anyone can ever live up to The Socialist in terms of intelligence, grace, charm, beauty, wittiness, authenticity, etc. Actress, she might have made it, but seriously, I'm picky and nothing on the horizon's yet measures up.

(Note: The Actress' nickname here is in no way commentary on her interactions with me - I just received a message alluding to as much - I think she's entirely genuine here.)

OKCupid 6

Clearly it's been a while. Holidays have come and passed (they were excellent by the way), I've been to several Meetups and spent time with friends old and new and have generally been spending less time hurting and more time out playing - hence the paucity of posts since... Wow, it's been longer than I thought.

Quick updates:
New friends are excellent, especially when combined with trivia night, Star Wars, or a Boardgames & Booze Meetup

When your ex moves to the guest bedroom and even goodnight hugs stop... it hurts like hell.

Back on OKCupid - now that I'm hurting weekly instead of daily and feeling quite sufficient to be enough for myself - my therapist and I agreed a while back that I'm ready to dip my toe in the water.

I went on my first ever "date-date" just last week and had a blast.

I'm also considering taking yet another OKCupid hiatus. In the last week I've been on a total of 4 dates with 3 women:
1 was a bust - though I doubt I'll get into that here.
1 I can absolutely see being great friends with.
And 1, well, I'm not entirely sure. I like her a great deal. She was date number 1 and date number 4. I don't know how comfortable she would be with starting more than a casual dating relationship, nor am I certain I want that just yet (thank goodness I have therapy on Tuesday, because I also do want it - just anxious about diving in too soon.) What I know for sure is that I find her to be a long list of adjectives I won't bore you with. Every time I try to put them down they come out sounding ridiculously corny, predictable, and contrived-as-a-90's-era-made-for-TV-disney-romance-movie (Susie Q!), despite being entirely genuine (she's intelligent, well-educated, caring, self-aware, beautiful, funny, etc. ad nauseum.) What I suppose I can safely declare here is the following:

• I like her a lot.
• I am confident, barring any fiendish secrets or surprises, that we can be excellent friends.
• I am honestly open to the idea of more developing while consciously working to make sure I am also open to the idea of just being friends if it doesn't.
• I fear proposing more than friendship (once I'm ready) as I know many are uncomfortable remaining friends if becoming more has been broached but isn't an option.

I also know that it's exhausting being on OKCupid and I'd rather put what time and energy I have into pursuing my new friendships and sticking to just one possible-someday-romance at a time. No judgement, whatsoever, on what you do/how you date. Nor would I have the same expectation of a potential partner until she and I had agreed to 'be exclusive" (or whatever the modern kids are using in place of 'going steady'); that's just where I'm at.