Selling The Farm

What was that saying my middle school teachers always used? The only constant in life is change?

If that's the case, then why does change hurt so badly? Why is it something so incredibly frightening? And how on earth is it possible to be at once in a place of such horror and hope?

Suffice it to say, a change has come and we're selling the farm! More changes are afoot soon, one of the biggest will be coming soon, so stay tuned.

For those in the PNW interested in a hobby farm not an hour from Seattle, check out our listing here. 1770 sq ft on one acre with a large greenhouse, workshop, goat barn, and chicken house.



We're having an open house on Sunday from 1-4 if you're interested.

A Change is Gonna Come

...And there's not a darned thing I can do about it.

The Socialist continues to grow. She continues to change. She continues individualize and separate her identity. I am so proud of her. I hurt so much.

Recently we realized that we both want so badly to keep our home, but neither of us believes it would be sustainable to continue sharing a living space. Yet we can't afford to build an addition or a second dwelling on the property.

Then one of The Socialist's good friends came up with what seemed the perfect solution - add about eight feet of interior wall and convert the house to a duplex.  I feel no sense of loss at 'losing' access to The Socialist, only the dread of losing the casual interactions with Little Smye on her parenting nights and the sense of 'hey now, this is MY house, why don't I get to keep it?" But realistically, I'll still share a roof with my son, he's a 20 foot walk and a door knock away, and really... it gets us both what we want.

Perfect right? If only.

As Nobel Laureate Andre Gide once said, “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” As much as I loathe it... I think it's time to head out to sea and hope the weather holds...

(more after the jump)

 

Last week we had a real estate agent friend out to advise us on how to go about converting the house to a duplex by adding a central interior wall (cost estimate, impact on resale, etc etc). Long story short, her advice was DO NOT DO IT! We (apparently) have somewhere between $200k and $250k in equity in the house (hooray for buying in late 2011 and it being an election year approaching summer) and, in her work over the last 30 years, she's helped a number of clients (which we are not) through similar divorces (one spouse realizes they are gay and it's amicable) and only once has living on the same property  survived beyond the acquisition of a new partner. In all the others, even those who'd been best of friends since childhood, things eventually turned ugly. Not to mention the fact that The Socialist has made it clear she wants a home entirely to herself within the next 5 years.

 

Additionally, the preschools and elementary schools that provide appropriate services for Little Smye are all out of the district we live in now. Her advice is: Sell the house this summer, use the profits to 1) give The Socialist a large chunk of $ to survive on while she sets up her practice/downpayment on a small house for her/Little Smye 2) give myself a smaller chunk (only $80k) to completely zero out all student loans 3) reduce my spousal support by way of the larger share of profits going to The Socialist at the outset 4) provide myself a larger portion of his income to be able to rent for a short while near to work and build a stockpile to buy again when the market next drops 5) provide Little Smye a stable, single move, landing in a near-forever home. 

 

It's utterly heartbreaking, but admittedly seems to be the most reasonable solution. I don't want to give up my home, but I can't afford to support my own mortgage, a household for The Socialist once she moves out, AND make my student loan payments. And if The Socialist is going to move Westward towards better schools for Little Smye , I want to be nearby.

 

My biggest anxiety (other than losing my wife [oh wait, that's already done] and not living with my son most of the time [in his best interest based on the careers of his parents]) is the financial aspect of all of this. The Socialist took a low paying job and I acquired $80k in student loans in order to maximize our family's long-term earning potential, but with the divorce it leaves us both effectively screwed... except that we've got such equity in the house that we can effectively solve both problems (giving her enough of a cushion to live off of until she finishes her licensure and eliminating all of my student debt).

 

We've not made any decisions at this point, but it's looking like we'll likely aim for a deal to be reached end-of-spring with closing in mid summer (I have a full month off this summer, which would allow for crashing on The Socialist's couch while I hunt for a new home once we have her securely placed). We'll also likely stay married until after the house is sold as there are no capital gains taxes on up to $500k if we're married, but $250k if we're divorced. We'll then see about doing one of those 'self-guided divorce' deals for $800 rather than the $8-20k attorney-guided divorces - we'll effectively have no further assets or debts to divvy up.

 

I'll be meeting with our former realtor (who helped us buy the house) in three days, and we'll go from there.

In brief, I'm terrified, I'm reluctant, I'm suffering. But I'm also hopeful. Perhaps, just maybe, I'll find land again, or at least a beautiful sea.

Dazed, confused, and narcoleptic

Recently I've veered away from discussion of my own internal processes towards a synopsis of my actions and pursuit of new relationships. And although I will absolutely keep you all updated on Trivia night, boardgames, mushroom cultivation, dating, etc., I want to take a moment to reflect on and hate some of the larger impacts this whole endeavor is having on my person.

Pros: I've had the opportunity to connect more with beloved friends. I've also had the chance to focus on celebrating and learning me, delving more deeply into my passions and interests. It turns out that having 3 evenings each week to dedicate to myself is allowing me  lot of growth, reflection, questioning, and general health.

Cons: I've developed a tremor, depression, significant anxiety, have started sleepwalking, and engaging in what my GP describes as "narcolepsy with automatic behavior." That's fun. Or not.

Let me try to explain by way of example.

As you all know by now, The Socialist moved to her own side of the house several months ago - we're now living truly as housemates and coparents. When Little Smye asked her if we're married, the answer was 'no.'

Anyway, one night about a month ago, The Socialist was getting home late from a hospice choir she sings in and heard strange sounds coming from the bathroom. She knocked - no answer. She knocked again and called to me "Smye, are you alright in there?" No answer.

Concerned, she opened the door to find me standing on the bathroom counter. Urinating. Into the bathrub. Across the walk way.

"Um, Smye. What are you doing?"

*Mumble mumble mumble*

"No really, Smye, I'm sure there's a reason, why are you peeing in the tub?"

"I've been elected to City Council. This is tradition good sir. I'm merely following in the footsteps of my forebears."

"What?"
"Sir, you mustn't interfere. This is a rite of passage into city government."

...

I have no recollection of this whatsoever. But she's filmed other weird instances of late-night odd behavior. And to those asking - nope. No sleeping pills, alcohol, or other mind altering substances were involved. Just stress, trauma, and sleep deprivation coupled with narcolepsy. Good times.

On the bright side, The Socialist was kind enough to guide me back to bed and gently inform me the next morning of my curious behavior. On the brighter side, even when sleepwalking I apparently have good aim and so had very little mess to clean up the next day.

On the brightest side - modern medicine is amazing and my GP and I are pursuing ways to correct my hynogogic arrests while falling asleep that lead to this erratic fugue-like state.

More to come...

Updates 2.0

The Actress is back. She's a delightful human who I thoroughly enjoy spending time with. She's also committed (for now) to at least 2 years without a romance and it's utterly delightful to have no pressure from her as well, she's an excellent human, but I'd not want to pursue further at this point - if forced to pick a desert-island companion today, yep, she'd be in the running... but I'm very grateful for her current role and not remotely eager to change that. It's lovely to have another friend in my life.

Lastly, tomorrow The Gourmand (my AllRecipes friend) and I will be making hundreds of sushi (maki, nigiri, gunkan, and sashimi) in a dry run of a party she's catering and some recipes I'll be submitting to AR. Should be a good time.

Update 4/3/16: A few have asked about my long term goals with The Actress, suggesting that either I ought to actively pursue romance and quit 'beating around the bush' or else 'stay the hell away.' Rather than answering to each email as it comes, I thought I'd just answer here. So, what are my long term goals with The Actress? I have none, other than to keep her influence in my life as someone I value and respect. Am I pursuing or even hoping for romance? Nope. Am I dead set against it? Nope. And for now, that's plenty.

Breakup Broken

It's been 1 day since the breakup.

It went... as to the quality of the going - I'm not sure how to measure it. This is my first dating relationship and my first breakup ever (at 27). There were a lot of tears on both ends, she kept asking "what could I have done differently? But don't worry, I won't try to change myself for you" and I kept choosing not to go there - I trust her intent. I have complete and total faith that she 100% means what she says.


But when The Socialist came out and asked for a divorce, I  did the same thing. And so I don't trust that she wouldn't carry my potential words around with her as a 'recipe' for 'fixing' herself to haunt her when jerkbrain rears it's ugly head.

She insists she wants to be besties  - so do I - but I think insisting on a break for a bit first so we're starting from as close to scratch as possible and so she can let the emotional dust settle a bit and make an authentic, fully informed decision as to how she wants to move forward rather than just the "DONT LEAVE, I'LL DO ANYTHING" unconcious bargaining I worry about.

The Map is Closed

Apologies all, for the lengthy absence. Suffice it to say a lot has been going on.

1 - I got picked up by AllRecipes as an AllRecipes AllStar Brand Ambassador - WOOT WOOT!

2 - I'm redesigning alternative education for an entire school district which - although rewarding - is utterly exhausting and a huge timesuck.

3 - The Cartographer has taken up nearly all of my restful moments - in ways both good (99%) and bad (1%).

4 - The Cartographer and I broke up.

Let's elaborate, shall we?

The Cartographer - A Brief Introduction

Well, the Actress seems to have ghosted entirely (or is legitimately seeking her own therapy/doing her own work, in which case, well done Actess, I can't wait to reconnect - be it as friends or more - when you're ready). 

 

On the other hand, The Cartographer has now emerged... I sent her a message in December. She was out of town. She replied the day The Actress said 'farewell.' We met for drinks and trivia. I was at ease. I was relaxed. I enjoyed her company. Her mind is beautiful. She is delightful. She is at least as intelligent as I am. I'm smitten. We've been seeing one another for a few weeks now. On Wednesday she asked me, "Smye, can I call you my boyfriend?" Hell yes! I guess I'm dating now. I couldn't be more pleased. More on her to come soon.

 

The Socialist has started pseudo-dating (though she doesn't use that term just yet) and I'm so excited for her! She also met The Cartographer last week and they seem to get on quite well thus far. They'll not meet again for some time, The Cartographer just wanted to verify my story before we started dating. I'm so pleased she's comfortable stating her needs.

 

Lastly - The Cartographer made my therapist cry, in a good way. This is going to be fun!