On Knowing

Wordsworth said it well:  “Suffering is permanent, obscure and dark. And shares the nature of infinity.”

It seems, ofttimes, that even amidst the greatest joy and gladness there is an element of suffering in each and every day that passes. But where does this suffering stem from?

Hypobole, and Then Some

This afternoon I received a letter. I looked at the envelope, it was addressed to me in a shaky hand with uneven strokes and, apparently, a pen on the verge of running out of ink.

Curious.

There was no return address... but the postmark was from my hometown. Initially I panicked, thinking it was from one of my family members, but no. The handwriting was all wrong.

Curiouser.

I turned it over and noticed it was sealed with a wax seal bearing the letter "Z." Uh-oh. The Socialist's grandmother is the only person in my past who always, ALWAYS sends her letters with that stamp.

Curiouser and Curiouser indeed.

Brevity

Well that didn't last as long as either of us had hoped or planned.

Updates 3.0

Wow... it's been a bit.

I've not written in some time, have I? I suppose that when I've felt the need, I've had other supports, other resources. And when I've not had those, I haven't particularly felt the need. I don't know whether this will be the last post here or whether at some point GWCL will come roaring back to life - we'll see. What I do know is that I don't want to post endless bullet-lists. I want to put meaty substance into the world, not just a handful of lists. That said, I have received a handful of 'so Smye, I rely on your blog to know what's going on in your life, post again soon?' and so will post this list.

1. Things didn't work out with The Botanist. She's an amazing, wonderful, creative, beautiful, hilarious, deeply insightful, passionate, and brilliant human being. She is a full-throated scream of joy in the face of darkness in our world. But it didn't work out. I'll not go into detail, but suffice it to say we were aligned in 99.8% of our goals, but that 0.2%, although a quantity that would certainly have been workable were it any other portion of our goals, was a deal breaker. We'd talked through our relationship about maintaining a friendship after the end of a romance should it end... and I was hoping that it would be possible. But, as sexy as I find boundary setting, to do so was something she was unable to accommodate. I love her deeply, and am, several months later, still actively mourning the loss of her presence in my life. Perhaps one day we'll be able to reconnect, I'd like that, but I won't count on it. Ms. Botanist - should you read this, I wish you the very best and am so deeply sorry it didn't work between us. I miss you heartily!
2. I've moved to a place of my own. The Socialist, as previously mentioned, did not take well to continuing to cohabitate so, at the new year, I moved back into the woods and am very pleased with this (temporary) landing.
3. I made an enormous breakthrough in therapy - turns out my inability to work on job application essays is not due to perfectionism in and of itself, but to a lack of dialogue and an immobilizing abhorrence of being misunderstood - even in part.
4. I've (clearly) established some solid friendships, relationships, chosen family, etc. and am thriving in that regard.
5. I got my first two tattoos. Very very very happy with them, even now, 3 months later (yeah yeah, I know, that's nothing). One is a framework through which I seek to view the needs of those around me to understand their behavior, and the other is a conceptual framework by which I attempt to live my life in restorative recognition of my own privilege in this world. They're pretty awesome. Know me IRL? Ask me about them. Please. Please. I want to speech at you about them ;)
6. Snugglet has adjusted well to my move.
7. Max, my buddy, my pal, my formerly-200-lb-now-85-lb goldendoodle was rehomed. My new place does not allow dogs and The Socialist can't handle his hugeness. This one hurts. Badly.
8. I broke up with The Botanist a while ago. I'm still mourning her - as mentioned. BUT. And this is new. I have started dating The Apologist. 'What's new?' you ask. A lot. Perhaps (likely) I'll dedicate an entire post to The Apologist at a later date, but the short version is that she is someone I have known and loved for quite some time. She was around when The Socialist first came out (or a handful of weeks later). She was the person I initially shared with, who sat with me as a melted into a puddle of sobs and hopelessness. She was among those close to me that stood around and watched, comforted, supported as I ventured into dating, whether it was delightful or horrific. She is chosen family, before dating. And that's new for me. It's also utterly terrifying. It means I'm putting a lot on the line by dating her. I trust The Apologist. I believe that, should it end, we'd be able to maintain the friendship... but it's definitely a big risk. I suppose, though, that taking that risk is precisely what this blog advocated in its first few posts. Jumping in with both feet (within reason) and having the grace for myself when and if I hurt or hurt others. We'll see.

A Curiousity

The Worth of a Rapist has been posted for just over 12 hours. Already I've received over 50 Facebook comments, direct messages, tweets, and private emails to the effect of "What's wrong with you? Why are you defending a rapist? Daddy issues much?" I think you missed my point.

It's curious. It's fascinating. I'm glad you're thinking deeply about this. And I want to clarify.

The post has its roots stretching back several years ago. I was reflecting on and exploring of the nature of humanity and the inherent worth of all people. This work was actually not attached to my rapist in the least. As I was pondering, I kept running up against the 'well what about?' question. What about Hitler? What about Stalin? What about Trump (yeah, back then, already thinking about Trump.) Eventually I thought to myself - who has wronged me the most? Who would be the hardest for me, in my being, to find worth in? And if I can find some bit of worth there, will that suffice to wrap up the argument to myself?

Ex-dad then became the archetypal 'monstrous evil' in my exploration, essentially the 'can I find a worth in him? Because if so, then I can find a worth in anyone.'

This as opposed to a desire to justify his actions, redeem him, or anything even remotely related. Never will I defend his actions. Not even a bit. Nope, not an issue of needing to 'reconcile' or 'justify.' Although writing last night's post took a lot out of me and was deeply emotional, I've not dwelt on ex-dad for quite some time. He's functionally dead in my life. And yet, somehow, my musings on human worth and inherent goodness were taken as otherwise.

I suppose that's the controversial part though.

The Worth of a Rapist

Trigger warning - this post is a wee heavy (and not the tasty kind). I will be speaking in detail about heinous crimes committed against humanity, living creatures, and myself. If you've got small kids looking over your shoulder or just don't really want to consider the worth of a rapist... perhaps you'd best skip this one.

For those of you who need to pass on this one, I think this image sums it up best without the trigger-potential.

Hurt people hurt people... damn that's deep.

Several Months in Several Lines

It's been a while, but I'm eager to get back to this. Writing about my experiences, hearing from some of you... well... it's a big piece of self-care that I've been neglecting and that, for entirely selfish reasons, I'm eager to re-integrate into my life.

That said, a shit-ton has happened since my last post. I don't have the energy or the time to fully document it all right now, so I'm going to keep it to bullets. HOWEVER, I do hope to elaborate on a few of these at a later date.

So let's see... what's been happening?

1. I was a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Yep, that's right. Now the real question, can you pick me out from the 2016-2017 contestants? Here's a hint... I wasn't a celebrity guest.
   What's that? How did I do? I can't tell you that, it might spoil the fun (but don't worry, I'll update on that after this season ends!)
   
   
   
   
   
2. I was a contestant on NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me and now Carl Kassel's voice is enshrined in my voicemail.
   
   
   
   
   
3. I sold the farm, sold the goats, lost the ability to grow my own food, and moved to a rental in town. The short version is that The Socialist has one end of the house and I have the other with Snugglet in the middle... It's painful, it actually pretty much sucks - we'd expected to be living apart by now and The Socialist is starting to feel somewhat resentful of my continued presence. It's hard to blame her, but until we have finances nailed down (which is taking a long time due to Snugglet's special needs) it's not a good idea to pay 2 rents.
   
   

   

   Goodbye girls! I'll miss you!

   
   

   
   
4. Little Smye is no longer. Little Smye is now Snugglet. I was wrong, I have a daughter, not a son.
5. I started dating The Botanist. She's pretty damn awesome. And also slightly woo. I love it! More on her to come... of that you can be sure.
6. I met Giada!
7. The protection order I have against my childhood abusers was violated (I'll say allegedly, so as to avoid any possible Libel suit).
8. I spent far too long going back and forth with the prosecuting and defense attorneys on this... but we'll see where it goes. The jury trial is coming up.
9. I lived out of a motel for 10 nights, against my will. I learned how much I hate living in a sleezy motel... and how much I love living in a space that's entirely 'mine.'
10. I secured an attorney to help with the finalizing of the divorce (it's entirely non-contested/amicable... but we each want to have someone to at least look at it).
11. I went to 5 different conferences - I love to learn but I'm exhausted.
12. We got mental healthcare for students at work. WOOT!
13. I went to my first Metal Festival... Disturbed was excellent.
14. I found 7 new species of mushroom.
    
    

    

    1/4 of the 12 lb beast I found... YUM

    
    
15. I made a few new friends.
16. I went to my first Friendsgiving and had the best Thanksgiving I've had in a long long time.
17. I stopped sleepwalking altogether.
18. I started on my collection of short stories (we'll see if they ever go anywhere).
19. I got a new contract and title change at work.
20. I started painting. That's why I've gone so long without blogging... all of the time I'd spent blogging has been spent painting.
    
    
    
    
    

    

    The tea and chutney were added after the first photo

    
    
21. And I got back to GayWifeConfusingLife... what a few months it's been!