To Those Who've Lost

If you, like one of my dearest friends, have lost a loved one to suicide, or nearly doneso. Please take a moment and read this. I initially wrote it for my chosen-family member who nearly lost his child, but wanted to share it with you also.

My heart is utterly broken for you and your family. I am so sorry. Everything I'm about to share you already know, but I believe is important for me to iterate. I beg your forgiveness if it comes off as remotely trite, callous, or unhelpful.

On Patience and Its Price

"I want to let go but there's comfort in the panic." - Linkin Park

A Life Worth Living

Recently I was asked by a colleague, "Smye, what is your goal in life? If you had to pick one thing, what would it be?"

I didn't hesitate for even a second, I knew my answer, though it sure as hell surprised him.

On Knowing

Wordsworth said it well:  “Suffering is permanent, obscure and dark. And shares the nature of infinity.”

It seems, ofttimes, that even amidst the greatest joy and gladness there is an element of suffering in each and every day that passes. But where does this suffering stem from?

Hypobole, and Then Some

This afternoon I received a letter. I looked at the envelope, it was addressed to me in a shaky hand with uneven strokes and, apparently, a pen on the verge of running out of ink.

Curious.

There was no return address... but the postmark was from my hometown. Initially I panicked, thinking it was from one of my family members, but no. The handwriting was all wrong.

Curiouser.

I turned it over and noticed it was sealed with a wax seal bearing the letter "Z." Uh-oh. The Socialist's grandmother is the only person in my past who always, ALWAYS sends her letters with that stamp.

Curiouser and Curiouser indeed.

Brevity

Well that didn't last as long as either of us had hoped or planned.

Updates 3.0

Wow... it's been a bit.

I've not written in some time, have I? I suppose that when I've felt the need, I've had other supports, other resources. And when I've not had those, I haven't particularly felt the need. I don't know whether this will be the last post here or whether at some point GWCL will come roaring back to life - we'll see. What I do know is that I don't want to post endless bullet-lists. I want to put meaty substance into the world, not just a handful of lists. That said, I have received a handful of 'so Smye, I rely on your blog to know what's going on in your life, post again soon?' and so will post this list.

1. Things didn't work out with The Botanist. She's an amazing, wonderful, creative, beautiful, hilarious, deeply insightful, passionate, and brilliant human being. She is a full-throated scream of joy in the face of darkness in our world. But it didn't work out. I'll not go into detail, but suffice it to say we were aligned in 99.8% of our goals, but that 0.2%, although a quantity that would certainly have been workable were it any other portion of our goals, was a deal breaker. We'd talked through our relationship about maintaining a friendship after the end of a romance should it end... and I was hoping that it would be possible. But, as sexy as I find boundary setting, to do so was something she was unable to accommodate. I love her deeply, and am, several months later, still actively mourning the loss of her presence in my life. Perhaps one day we'll be able to reconnect, I'd like that, but I won't count on it. Ms. Botanist - should you read this, I wish you the very best and am so deeply sorry it didn't work between us. I miss you heartily!
2. I've moved to a place of my own. The Socialist, as previously mentioned, did not take well to continuing to cohabitate so, at the new year, I moved back into the woods and am very pleased with this (temporary) landing.
3. I made an enormous breakthrough in therapy - turns out my inability to work on job application essays is not due to perfectionism in and of itself, but to a lack of dialogue and an immobilizing abhorrence of being misunderstood - even in part.
4. I've (clearly) established some solid friendships, relationships, chosen family, etc. and am thriving in that regard.
5. I got my first two tattoos. Very very very happy with them, even now, 3 months later (yeah yeah, I know, that's nothing). One is a framework through which I seek to view the needs of those around me to understand their behavior, and the other is a conceptual framework by which I attempt to live my life in restorative recognition of my own privilege in this world. They're pretty awesome. Know me IRL? Ask me about them. Please. Please. I want to speech at you about them ;)
6. Snugglet has adjusted well to my move.
7. Max, my buddy, my pal, my formerly-200-lb-now-85-lb goldendoodle was rehomed. My new place does not allow dogs and The Socialist can't handle his hugeness. This one hurts. Badly.
8. I broke up with The Botanist a while ago. I'm still mourning her - as mentioned. BUT. And this is new. I have started dating The Apologist. 'What's new?' you ask. A lot. Perhaps (likely) I'll dedicate an entire post to The Apologist at a later date, but the short version is that she is someone I have known and loved for quite some time. She was around when The Socialist first came out (or a handful of weeks later). She was the person I initially shared with, who sat with me as a melted into a puddle of sobs and hopelessness. She was among those close to me that stood around and watched, comforted, supported as I ventured into dating, whether it was delightful or horrific. She is chosen family, before dating. And that's new for me. It's also utterly terrifying. It means I'm putting a lot on the line by dating her. I trust The Apologist. I believe that, should it end, we'd be able to maintain the friendship... but it's definitely a big risk. I suppose, though, that taking that risk is precisely what this blog advocated in its first few posts. Jumping in with both feet (within reason) and having the grace for myself when and if I hurt or hurt others. We'll see.