The Socialist came out to her dad today - I'm so proud of her! He responded well for the most part, but I'll admit it was also incredibly hard because it made the 'real-ness' and finality of it all sink in just one layer deeper. I will say I was thoroughly impressed with her use of an FAQ to help her deal with having to answer all of the questions she didn't want to be asked and to encourage the questions she wished would be asked. I have included it below:
FAQs for Dad (and maybe Stepmom too)
Q: Why are you telling me this? Now?
A: I enjoy the authentic relationship I feel like we have built and I want to maintain that. I don’t want to live different lives around different people. Also, I could benefit from your support as Smye and I move forward in our process to consciously separate, and I don’t want to hide half of the story.
Q: Have you always “known” (experienced same-sex attraction)?
A: No. Until now, I have largely identified as asexual (someone who does not feel attraction toward either men or woman). It never occurred to me to wonder whether I was attracted to women; I simply knew I had never experienced attraction toward men.
Q: Is this a phase?
A: I’ve thought about this very seriously before sharing with you and hope you can trust that I am telling you something significant versus something that is a passing phase. Sexuality fluidity is often predicted by the intensity and frequency of attraction. Based on my current experiences, I don’t imagine I will later find men attractive (but it would certainly be more convenient if that ends up in my future!).
Q: How do you know for sure you are attracted to women?
A: How do you know for sure you are attracted to women?
Q: Are you attracted to women because you were abused as a child?
A: Correlation is not causation. Early childhood experiences shape sexuality (and the rest of ourselves) and there is no way to determine who I would have been attracted to without those early experiences. It is certainly a complicating factor. I always assumed I’d have challenges connecting with males based on my early childhood experiences so I never sought out other explanations. Regardless, I’ve done enough years of therapy to trust this isn’t something that needs to be “fixed.”
Q: Maybe you just haven’t found the right man?
A: I could say the same to you. J
I don’t think anyone is 100% gay or straight: research shows there are certain situations or contexts in which people will stray outside of strongly identified orientations. The Socialistat said, I am not hoping to find “the right guy” any more than you are. The Socialistere are plenty of women I am attracted to and accept that.
Q: Why are you making this choice?
A: The Socialistis is not a choice I am making. In many ways, if I could choose to be straight I would as there are many benefits to being part of a dominant group and keeping your life status quo. I have worked very hard and sought much help to be attracted toward men without success.
Q: Does this mean you are going to turn “butch”?
A: No. I don’t really identify with terms like “butch” (or its opposite, “femme”). I consider myself feminine in appearance, analytical in mind, and loving at heart. Over time, my style may change, just as anyone’s does through different life phases. Someday I might try having shorter hair or wearing pants but that is less related to my sexuality and more about transitioning out of old habits.
Q: So what kind of person are you attracted to?
A: Women who are intelligent and kindhearted.
Q: Will you ever have a steady girlfriend or get remarried?
A: I hope to—at some point when I am ready and if I meet the right person.
Q: What about God? And the sanctity of marriage?
A: The Socialistis is more a question for you to ask yourself. The Socialistis part of who I am is not in conflict with any of my spiritual beliefs/practices. Of course, I hope you will find a way to reconcile your faith with this aspect of your daughter. If you can’t, I hope you can find enough space in yourself to hold two opposing things, and find a way to maintain your love for both.
Q: Are you still the same person you’ve always been?
A: Yes. J
Q: Did I do something wrong? Is that why you are like this?
A: No. The Socialistis isn’t a case of right vs. wrong or something that should have been prevented. (If you want to go down that path though, you can think instead about what you can do “right” in this moment to support me…)
Q: Did you cheat on Smye?
A: No. We have been very open and supportive of one another and neither of us has done anything behind the others’ back.
Q: Is Smye okay?
A: My status as “asexual” had been a known factor in our marriage since its beginning so this was not a complete surprise to Smye. It was a joint decision when I decided to re-enter counseling to specifically work on this aspect of myself. He is getting the support that he needs and has been very supportive toward me. Still, this is very hard for Smye. Of course, he wishes the outcome were different if for no other reason than because he had hope for our future.
Q: Are you and Smye staying together?
A: No, not in the traditional sense. We have never had a true “full” marriage and we both deserve that. We have been living together platonically and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future—even as we separate some emotionally. He is committed to helping me become financially self-sufficient and we are both committed to an arrangement that is most supportive of Little Smye. We don’t know exactly what that will look like but trust we will figure it out in a loving way as time goes on.
Q: Does this mean Little Smye is more likely to be gay?
A: No. Whether he is raised by a set of same-sex, opposite-sex, or a combination of parents, his likelihood of identifying as something other than “straight” is about the same. (The Socialistere is some evidence, however, that men with ASD are more likely to identify as gay or bisexual than men without ASD.)
Q: How will this impact your career?
A: I am not “out” at work (though a few close friends know) and do not anticipate I will be in the time that I remain there.
As I transition to a new career pathway, I do not imagine I will advertise my sexuality any more than I ever have—it simply is not relevant. (At no point in working with clients did I ever volunteer that I was asexual, or partnered—let alone the gender of my partner). I do plan on working/living in New Hometown and do not expect to keep this part of myself a “secret” from my community.
Questions you may not have, but I wish you would ask
Q: What do you identify as?
A: I hate labels because they can mean different things to different people and I want more control over how people perceive me. I do not identify as bisexual (attracted to men and women) or heterosexual (attracted to opposite sex). I would say “lesbian” (women attracted to women) is the closest label. When I talk with people I just say I’m “queer” (an umbrella term which loosely which is no longer considered derogatory).
Q: Who knows? What can I say? Who can I talk to?
A: Right now, I’ve shared with Smye and all of my close friends in addition to M and B. I have not shared with any other relatives, or most childhood friends from Hometown. So far everyone has been incredibly supportive and I am very grateful.
If you would like to talk with people, you are welcome to share with your friends and extended family. I would like to save T/A (and my mom + her family) for myself when I am ready. I ask that you get support and educate yourself about the myths around sexuality (so you do not perpetuate them/misrepresent me when talking with others) before you discuss this with other important people in our lives. (I know I have no control over that.)
When talking with people, I am fine if you use the term “lesbian” or “gay” (often used to describe men or women who are same-sex attracted) as these are the most descriptive/accurate labels. If you don’t want to share with other people that’s fine. The Socialistis may change over time, and certainly will change if I become re-partnered.
Q: What support do you need?
A: I need you to be the same Dad you currently are to me—supportive, caring, and encouraging. I need you to respect my entire self (including this part of me). I need you to ask questions as they arise for you instead of making assumptions. I need you to find a primary place outside of myself to work out your disbelief, confusion, anger, disagreement or whatever other complicated feelings you may have. I need you to remember that although sexuality is an important part of any person, I am a multifaceted human being and I have not ceased to be a mom, a professional, a friend or a quasi-farmer. Mostly, I need you to stay present.
I also need you to remain open to my current relationship with Smye, without taking sides or criticizing (to me) our use of marriage for its companionship, financial stability and other logistical benefits.
Q: Is this process hard for you?
A: It is terrifying for me. Both because I don’t want to lose people I care about (which I know happens to folks) and because the idea of loving and being loved fully is a very vulnerable thing. In other ways, it is exciting and I couldn’t feel more at ease—it feels like coming home into myself.
Q: Wow, this is a lot to take in. Are there resources for me?
Q: What do you need from me right now?
A: I need to know that you love and support me the same as you always have or that if you can’t/don’t that you’ll work to get there.
