OKCupid 2

So I made the OKCupid profile, I even messaged someone on the advice of my therapist, essentially detailing the whole story and linking her here - just to test the waters. She wrote back, was entirely supportive and over the last few days we have struck up a conversation. I like her, she seems to like me. This afternoon she asked to set up a date next Saturday evening. Hooray!
 

Or not. At that moment, it clicked - what the hell am I doing? I'm not ready yet. I've got a hell of a lot of work to do on myself before I go trying to form a committed partnership with someone else - not to mention the fact that I'm not remotely comfortable with casual dating.

 

I feel awful, but I'm going to be emailing her after I post this to call it off and ask "may I contact you again in a few months? I'm so so sorry." And to top it off, there's that little voice screaming "you idiot! What are you doing? You've had huge gaps in your needs from the day you got married, they've only grown over the years, and now you don't even get a goodnight peck from your wife. Why are you throwing away the closest chance you've got to getting to kiss, cuddle, love and be loved?" But I think if that's the reason I'm pursuing a relationship, because I'm terrified of continuing not to have those things, that's the wrong reason to enter a relationship. And so on it goes. 

 

And oh yeah, The Socialistee already pulled back emotionally when I created the OKCupid account - still my best friend, but I'm no longer her primary emotional support. The Socialistammit. But I believe waiting (for now, we'll see how I feel in the morning) is the best choice [totally joking about the 'in the morning' part].

OKCupid

Having been each others one and only since 5 is amazing, it's part of what's so scary about looking elsewhere - there's nobody else from my kindergarten classroom that's remotely interesting.

 

Curiously, my therapist and I created my OKCupid account recently. In response The Socialistee made one of her own. It's weirdly terrifying and exciting! I've got a date lined up for the first weekend in October. On the flip side, once I had that set up, The Socialistee asked for more emotional distance between us - we're still best friends and coparents, but she'll no longer be processing externally with me through the deep stuff. Something else to mourn, but I think that stopping my own process to 'keep' her wouldn't be healthy for either of us.

 

Thanks all for reading.

Where we stand

Just a quick update - The Socialistee is still working through her process and debating whether/how to tell her parents. I, on the other hand, am continuing to realize more and more how much of the grieving of our marriage I've already done. 6 years ago when she first told me she didn't think she was actually attracted to me, I started grieving the 'mutual attraction' aspect. 5 years ago when she told me (with the utmost kindness and honesty, not out of spite or anything) 'I really don't enjoy sex and, you know, if we never had it again, I'd be thrilled,' I started grieving the 'sexual intimacy' portion. When she told me 'it really bothers me/makes me uncomfortable when you a) suprise me with something special; b.) tell me I'm beautiful; c) arrange a special evening even with my foreknowledge; d) do anything else typically identified as 'romantic,' I began grieving the 'romantic' aspect of our relationship. 2 years ago when a surgeon who was working on something else entirely essentially destroyed her vagina (the bas****, he's still the only person I've ever had violent dreams about - even without sex it hurts her to walk more than 5 minutes at a time...), I began to grieve the 'sex at all' portion of our relationship.

 

Everything else, our deep love and respect for one another as parents, as best friends, as co-learners and cohabitators, those I don't have to grieve. Except for the last, but that's a ways off and I can start that grief process now. I don't mean to claim that I'm 'over it.' Holy hell it still hurts. I'm nowhere near over it. I don't know if I ever will be. But I feel, in many ways, a sense of peace that my feelings of never being 'enough' for her were not only justified, but had nothing to do with me. I'm shocked at how excited I feel for both of us to move forward while doing our damnedest to keep our friendship solid whatever comes in terms of the pain/frustration that's inevitable moving forward.

 

All that said, though a piece of me is screaming "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU The SocialistOING?" I've recognized that this has all been going down for as long as we've been wed. Not that she knew she was ***** (her currently chosen term), nor that we would inevitably divorce some day, but that our marriage wasn't all of what either of us wanted it to be, despite being nauseatingly idyllic in so many other areas. And I never, ever, have to sacrifice those idyllic pieces if I don't choose to, even if and when we divorce.

 

And so the next step - dating. I'm not interested in dating around, sleeping around, or trying to 'get the most bang (sorry) for my buck out of my new body.' But if I'm decided to find a new partner (and I am), I'm eager to get going. I'm thinking I'll start with an OKCupid account here in the next couple of weeks after my next meeting with my counselor. How weird to be simultaneously nauseated and utterly thrilled.

 

The Socialistoes that make sense?

Public Replies 2

@Folly, thank you so much for sharing your story, the perspective of the new spouse of a formerly straight spouse is one I haven't heard and it is a huge asset to me to hear it. And thank you for the *hugs* as well, received and warmed! My sympathies & congratulation to your husband. If you don't mind sharing a little more, what was the experience like for you? I'm at the point of considering the possibility of actually, really, truly, coming to love someone else and want to ensure that I am able to support my future spouse through what will undoubtedly be challenging for her as well.

 

@cusoon, I'm so sorry you and your ex went through that, it hurts like hell. But I'm so glad to hear your story! I too hope (and trust) that 25 years from now we'll be where you are, but the getting there in the meantime is daunting. For now, we share a bed still, we live together, and ideally will do so until one of us is repartnered, but, for example - how do we navigate this when we start actually seeing other people? What about when/if The Socialistee doesn't make enough to support herself, I don't make enough to support a mortgage ANThe Socialist a rent, but (assuming I repartner first) my new partner has moved in etc etc. Long story short - thank you. And yes, The Socialistee is made of stronger stuff than I can even conceive of.

What I Need

When I first started this blog, I was in a time of utter crisis and had no idea what, precisely, I needed other than the general list of guidelines I put in my first post. Now I'm still in a time of significant grief. Although The Socialistee and I have what appears to be a solid plan in place, I've found a suitable therapist, she's continuing her work with hers and we're both reaching out for support while turning towards, rather than away from, each other, it's hard. It hurts. I'm mourning the loss of the marriage we had even in the midst of celebrating the marriage we have and the friendship we will continue to have. I'm thrilled, really and truly, that she's learning more about herself - I'm even excited at the potential of 1, 2, 3, or 10 years from now for both of us to be in relationships where we're entirely fulfilled while maintaining our friendship throughout. But I still cry myself to sleep and still find myself yearning to lean in for a kiss or to initiate lovemaking. In short, I know that this still hurts and that I still have a lot of work to do on and for myself. But I'm okay with never being 'over' the loss of our romantic marriage - I don't think one ever really, truly does get over it, nor am I convinced I even want to. Sure, eventually I'll go days, weeks, hours without it hurting and be able to discuss it without wanting to disappear entirely, but I doubt I'll ever be over it any more than I'd ever get over the loss of any other loved one. But I know what I need from you all now.

 

What I need is, in many ways, what most of you have been doing already - I just need you to sit with me in my grief, to validate and honor my pain, to celebrate with me when a day goes well or when we have a 'victory,' and to offer me virtual hugs when I ask for them or you simply think they're warranted. In short - I need a community to bear witness to my process, validate my experience, and remain present with me throughout. Thank you for all you've done and for all you do! I'll keep this forum updated regularly with what's happening, how everyone is doing with the changes, etc - writing this all down is a huge part of my own processing, so thank you for bearing witness.

Public Replies

@drmeow, Thanks - and I appreciate your co-denial with me (as I mentioned on page previously, your theory was one I hoped for) but realistically there's VERY little in the literature to support such a theory, it doesn't seem to be how latent human sexuality actually works - damn! But you're right on, we've got a great friendship and, I believe, will make it through this with a lot of joy alongside the inevitable (and appropriate) pain and grief. I'm working on holding both at the moment - I'm so excited for her to be embracing who she is and she's reported feeling elated to not feel any pressure to be romantic with me (from herself and from me), but I also sobbed while driving between district meetings this morning in grief over the loss of all my future plans for romantic evenings, dinners, ice skating, etc. What a weird mind-twister, let alone the heart. Thank you for your support!

 

@Rogofulm, right on! And let me tell you, right after disclosure, I absolutely though "I wish so badly I could just stuff my face right now and make a conscious decision to find comfort in food." But - though I know to remain vigilant and never feel 'safe' from food as comfort - as a result of my own process and identify shift through this process am in a place where I know that even in the moment of eating, I wouldn't actually feel any better - not to mention the awful physical pain of eating the junk. The issue I'm having isn't so much the temptation to take comfort in food, it's having to remember to eat at all. Just finished 2 oz of homemade goat Jerky though after reading your post - so thanks for the reminder. Eating enough and the right things is just as important as not eating too much or the wrong things.

 

To everyone, thank you again for your support! I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards The Socialistee and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture. I'll post this note back on the first post also.

To those who relate

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain of our experience will ever go away. I am so thankful, having read your stories and others like it on the Straight Spouse Network to have the deep history and background with The Socialistee that I have - there were never lies, no hidden secrets, just a long delayed process that she was willing to share openly with me. As devastating as it still was/is, I cannot imagine having to play act after disclosure, not to mention having aspects of my partner I didn't like. I still love her and like her as my best friend, and genuinely believe I always will. I feel so lucky as to be struggling at the moment with something akin to 'survivor's guilt' in all of this. I'm not sure if you've read everything I've posted so far, but I recommend you do, it helps build a better picture and writing it all in real time has been therapeutic as hell for me