The Donkey Plan

Some have asked about our plan moving forward: we're certainly not calling it an open marriage, nor are we going to be pursuing what would be 'typical' of an open marriage - though it's fair to call it a derivative of an open marriage. As I understand open marriages, the idea there is to keep the core partnership as primary while pursuing 'getting needs met' outside of the marriage. We're both pretty certain this would get ugly quick for both of us.

 

In our case, rather, we'll be remaining married strictly platonically as best friends for the time being, but when and if (it may not happen, we'll see) we start dating (who am I kidding? Of course we'll date), the idea isn't to 'meet sexual needs' with long or short term flings, but that we're actively seeking a new forever partner. Once that new partner is found for either of us, we divorce amicably, while remaining best friends throughout. Ideally even living in the same neighborhood or as housemates with the other couple. Our marriage is intended to end, a placeholder representing our forever deep love, not to mention the social, financial, legal etc benefits of remaining married in the meantime. But after each date debriefing as we would with anything else, helping one another problem solve along the way, etc. Oh, and SUPER clear communication throughout. And all of this AFTER she settles on whatever her identity actually is, this is all new enough she'd rather not wait.

 

And since we're family, our future dating will be as it would be with any other family "look, you marry me, you're marrying my mom/dad/sister/family too." The Socialistoes that make sense?

 

Also, thanks for asking! Answering this question really helped me continue my own processing here.

About whom?

My process is about ME, hers is about HER, and ours is about US! What could be more lovely? And more painful? It's odd, but I feel I'm big enough to hold both inside me.

To those who...

To those outraged by my wife's actions... although I'd agree with you for many couples in my situation, you are grossly mistaken. I appreciate your willingness to do the unpopular, go against my wishes and 'tell it like it is' - no sarcasm, I really admire your commitment to authenticity. However, I hope you'll agree (and if you don't, oh well) that you don't quite understand the dynamics of my marriage once I get the chance after work tonight to write out our current resolution. Short version - we'll both be finding new exclusive partners when we're each ready as individuals, divorcing at that time, but maintaining our incredible friendship through it all. I'll even likely help write her OK-Cupid (or whatever service she uses) profile and walk her down the aisle - and vice versa. And yes, she really and truly is just figuring this out now - I don't know how deeply part of the LGBTIQ community you are or aren't, but it's a thing, it happens, and it's not anybody's fault. As a society, all we can do is accept that the experience of folks who discover their sexuality "late" in life (keep in mind, we're significantly younger than you probably think we are - we both graduated high school and college very early and were married at an age most could call unconscionable) might not reflect our own but is still real for them, and support and love those around us in spite of not understanding. But seriously, your outrage on my behalf is weirdly comforting . I will say though that your fervor did have the effect of making me feel silenced by you rather than helping me 'find my voice.' For what it's worth.

Thankful

I just wrote a massive update/response, and my laptop died. Short version - THANK YOU EVERYONE! I have a lot of grieving to do, but we are and always will remain best friends and family. We are (I know this sounds fake but it will make sense when I post next) closer than ever, will likely divorce in the next few years, but are in no rush, and honestly I've never had such a satisfying or intimate evening than tonight was. I'll post the full deal later, but basically life hurts like hell and is INCREDIBLE all at once. It's incredible what having been best friends for 17 years before we married can do for us. Thank you thank you thank you. More to come.

 

Oh, and because things feel super stable and wonderful right now, Katladee (let me know if you want me to take your name off), oh yes. I cook. Any recipes you want at the moment?

 

I don't actually know any of you, haven't met a one of you, but I love you folks! Thank you so much for helping me through the most painful day of my life - without you all I would not have been in the right place to come home to my wonderful wife and reach such a wonderful place as where we are now. Again - I'll explain in full when I have more time.

To clarify

To be clear, I have no illusions that she'll "try the lesbian thing" or "get it out of her system." Human sexuality doesn't work like that. Nor would she EVER be willing to actually act on her attractions until our marriage was over and over. I'm more open to that than she is and, well, let's just say I'd rather set the house on fire (though I wouldn't). It's more that I find myself hoping it's a phase similar to what a preadolescent goes through rather than a 'phase' that the parents of those in the LGBTIQ community hope their children will 'grow out of' when they're in denial. Most likely though, I'm just in denial.

Update: Oct 7 - totally in denial. She's gay. Done and done. Poop.

Wishful thinking

I'm weirdly still unable to let go of the hope that as she continues her work with her counselor she'll somehow find an attraction to me as the exception to the rule or that this is the apocryphal (and, if I'm honest, horribly intolerantly minded) 'phase' she's going through before discovering she's hetero or that it's like what I went through when I was 8 or so and was attracted to any and everything just because WOW, TESTOSTERONE! But I think I know that none of those fit. After all, we've got everything else in place for a nauseatingly idyllic marriage - so it would make sense that as her sexual identity is forming she'd form a sexual/romantic attraction to me along with, if not instead of, anyone else. After all, if she's not truly a lesbian, how on earth could some stranger on the street who's attractive compete with best friend/spouse for the last for what amounts to our entire lives. Thanks for letting me vent a bit more.

Is it becauseof weight loss?

I wanted to address this one directly. There are some of you who are aware that I weighed 415 lb a a year ago and, at last weigh in, am down nearly 200 lb. I've gotten a few emails asking if maybe my new body is what 'caused' The Socialist to be gay. Nope.

I've always been heavy, but thankfully The Socialist suffers from face blindness - a portion of which being that she actually can't tell by looking at someone if they're overweight . But yes, weight loss absolutely changes things - here though I think it was more that our life was finally stable enough for long enough that she felt safe enough to actually explore her own sexuality in ways she was not able to do as a child in a particularly yucky home.

 

And yes, thank you for the other words - listening is what I'm trying to do. But as we've always told one another absolutely everything, I'm struggling not to unload my own grief on her in the meantime while searching for a new counsellor for myself. I know it's slowing her process, but it's where I'm at for now.

The plan for tonight is, once our little guy goes down (assuming he goes down before 10), to try and hang out as friends and focus on enjoying, even reveling in our friendship rather than the grief/despair/etc I feel or the shame she's feeling.